


I love him, and Paladins, and I hate witches and lions and shiros, I guess! (Or do I?)

by Marta_Ayanami



Category: Hyakujuuou GoLion | Beast King GoLion, Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: AU canon divergent at some point of season 6 mainly, F/F, F/M, Gen, I love all the eight seasons of Voltron and every moment of them, I love canons but I love AUs too, M/M, Multi, Other, Spoilers for s 1 - s 8, let's just say AUing all around for fun here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:15:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 33,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23322298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marta_Ayanami/pseuds/Marta_Ayanami
Summary: Alternate Universe. Slightly at first, more later. And crossover.******Shiro (?) reunites with old friend, Matt. Crew, teammate...more?Shiro's memories are now perfect,  his memories from before the Second Escape are, newer ones are just normal...from old ones...he can recall everything, always, which, frankly... is that normal? Should he KNOW?Was he ever attracted to Matt before? Shouldn't he know if he was?*****He was still himself, he was sure.... but if so, why did Black seem unsure at  first?Or maybe he was unsure?Sometimes, he felt a little... like not himself.However, that couldn't be real.Could it?And if it was, who could he be, if he wasn't himself?Maybe Keith would know, he knew him best. Would tell him that he was himself.But what if he wasn't?*******Fic mostly from Kuron's PoV, but a few chapters won't be. :)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 3





	1. A Little Introduction

**_People die when they are killed. Or so he had thought, but years later, he will learn he had it all wrong. You need to become alive or you can't die, just perish. Maybe. But back then, he had no idea._ **

**_********_ **

Shiro remebered everything about Matt. Except touch. Just like with everyone. That is, he remembered touch, in old memories, but just that it happened - even with family it was like that, and with friends, and more.... He remembered that touching happened, but not the feeling of it. So he cautiously began touching people (not strangers of course) nowadays and it was wonderful, but, would probably be overwhelming if he went too far. Shiro wondered if it was possible to feel so happy that one would die from that? From excess happiness? Probably not, alright. Whew. Still... Touching was a sensation that made him feel so happy. Nowadays. More than ever.

Even though he remembered touching others before the second Galra escape, so that made no sense at all, so he mostly ignored that... and tried to be normal about things. And probably succeeded, or Keith would've said something. Then again, Keith was a Blade of Marmora member now, which lessened occasions to see his brother, much less talk a lot or put a hand on his shoulder. Well, he could live with that. Not letting on. Just trying to be normal. That was just some strange reaction to having been imprisoned again, and it would pass. Then again, in all his memories before escaping the Galra again, Shiro could nowadays (before and during and after constant headaches and dizzines) remember absolutely everything, perfectly. Even things that happened when Shiro, long before that nickname, when he, Takashi Shirogane, was a month old. Or five days. He remembered even such things. Was that normal?

Whether it was or not, it was nice to remember his mother smiling at him and cooing at him. It was a gift, surely, an awesome and undeserved gift, suddenly having those memories back, though a gift from whom, he knew not.

She died when he was a year old. He even remembered her funeral. He didn't remember remembering it when he was a child, so he probably didn't. Something happened to his head? But if remembered more now, wasn't that a good thing?

He had a feeling he didn't remember it until recently. Was that weird? Maybe not. He preferred to call it a sudden gift. (From whom?)

(No)

****************

Shiro remembered a lot, in short. And of course he remebered Matt Holt, every moment when they were a crew, and earlier, every moment in the Garrison (home... why, then, has home felt so distant, nowadays, even when looking back??) and it was wonderful news when Pidge callled on the Comm, saying, "We're coming back!" and while all others on the team (crew, family..) immediately asked 'who??', Shiro had a feeling he knew, judging by sheer joy in Katie, no, Pidge's, voice.

**********

When Matt came back with Pidge, Shiro recognised Matt, his best friend, immediately, unbeknowest putting him at ease. So he didn't remember wrong (he could have asked Keith, about many Memories with Keith, if they were right or not, but what if Keith misunderstood and was hurt by the question? So, no, he wouldn't do that to his dear little brother.).

Matt, however, was a different case. Somehow.

Shiro pulled him into a hug, while greeting, first chance he got.

(There was one thing Shiro didn't remember, nowadays, in memories of before the latest Escape from the Galra. Touch. Was it normal to forget all the touch? Recently, Shiro touched all the Paladins, in order to remember. Touching was _weird._ Touching was utterly _amazing!_ It was an experience like nothing else. But he tried not to touch too often. Because whenever Shiro, nowadays, touched someone, anyone, he suddenly wanted to cry, and that was strange.

So he limited himself. After all, he wasn't a super touchy feely person.

So, why? But. He wanted to touch other people. Lots more than he would ever let on.

He hugged Matt Holt. And afterwards, at first, Shiro thought,

_I'm having a heart attack,_

So he excused himself as soon as reasonably possible.

Suddenly, in the bathroom, where he went because if he was dying, now really wasn't a good moment to do that in front of everyone, not on such a joyful day of Matt's return, that would've been awful.

And _rude._

And then, Shiro looked into a mirror, and saw, and saw a blush creeping on his own cheeks, and he understood suddenly, with clarity, that he wasn't dying, no, he was....

He was acting like a preteen, as if he's never fallen in love before!! (He had fallen in love, head over heels, before. On Earth. Years ago. When it came to that, Shiro really wished he could still remember the touch, one sense he could not remember, no matter what, in old memories.)

He... wasn't dying, okay. Nope. He just. Suddenly...

 _Why didn't I remember that Matt Holt is so handsome??_ Shiro thought, practically suddenly silently screaming in his thoughts.

Should he tell Matt??? Or wait to see if Matt...

Again, he was suddenly behaving like a fifteen years old himself, not current himself, with such thoughts. As if his maturity suddenly dropped.

Could he just blame Matt's unwarned-for-by-any-memory appeal?!

Lance entered the bathroom. Good, because Shiro couldn't stand the silence anymore, either nobody should know, all the whole word. So Shiro shouted,

"Lance, listen, look, honestly, isn't.... isn't Matt simply amazing?! I'd die for him! I'd give him most of my organs! I'd drown for him even. I'd fight Haggar for Matt! Also, unrelatedly, he's attractive!"

Lance seemed... surprised. As if he couldn't immediately see such a simple truth.

And Shiro was also a bit surprised at himself. Why drowning? Why organs? Why some witch?? He just spoke without thinking, still so flustered, so in love (this was love? Wasn't it??) and so, not weighing his words unlike often, he spoke some utter nonsense that he didn't understand himself, even.

But-

"Shiro, I had no idea he's your boyfriend," Lance replied.

"That's just it, he's not! I'm not worthy of him, anyway," Shiro said quickly.

"What? Why???"

"I don't know," Shiro replied, honestly.

He had no idea why he was like that right this moment and why his body was behaving as if this first attraction ever, when it wasn't.

Lance... maybe thought things would soon be TOO private, and, wishing Shiro luck or something, Shiro didn't quite catch what was said anymore, quickly left the bathroom.


	2. Interlude 1: What's a yorak?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was dreaming. Wasn't he? But where? And when? And what for?
> 
> It's impossible to escape one's own eyes, anyway.
> 
> And when he wakes, he never remembers trying.
> 
> **************
> 
> A lot of AU changes begin here. :) In this AUverse, this clone of Shiro can (erratically) use his quintessence, subconsciously, to do various things that usually a human (even a dreaming one on accident) wouldn't be able to do, like travelling to other realities, but... reasons for that in this AUverse later, don't worry. Will be explained.... though not soon. :D
> 
> This isn't chapter 2 so much as... hmm, an interlude? Think of it as chapter 1.5. I often do such. I'm very KH inspired that way. ;) (And classic literature inspired. XD ) Interludes will usually be about things that happened before the fic's present time began, though not always.

It happened some time ago.

A few days after Keith and others rescued Shiro. Shiro... at night, asleep.... he felt strange. And upon waking, he wouldn't remember what he was dreaming of, but he knew the dreams weren't dreams, and weren't memories, but... journeys... he knew that for a second or two, waking, and then, he'd always quickly forget.

*****

And he would feel strange, during... forgotten journeys as such... in few seconds when he did remember them...

As if he was using his quintessence. Slowly, drippingly at first, but then, sudden bursts, ones that left him dizzy, and... displaced...

Not really displaced, as he had a distinct knowledge, in a back of his mind, that his body was still in place - still in his own room, in his own bed, and breathing normally, so that if Keith or Katie - er, Pidge, or Lance, or Allura, or Hunk, or Coran, came in, they wouldn't worry, because Shiro was completely there, breathing normally.

Did his mind wander? Or was that just a dream?

And when he woke, he'd stop wondering, because he forgot.

But during the nights, he had more memories than during the days, and he had this urge - to run...

He had a feeling that urge wasn't quite... selfish... no... it felt as if he suddenly imagined he was just... as Haggar once said... just a weapon...

And if so, he'd rather be fired as far away from Keith, Matt, Pidge, and others as possible, really.

Or maybe it was all just a dream.

Did he truly wander someplace else and never remembered afterwards? Or was that, every morning before forgetting, just a figment of imagination?

He chose to think the latter. He preferred the latter.

He learnt to lie to himself that it was the latter. Just for a few seconds - before suddenly forgetting.

**********************

"Sven?"

Shiro stirred. He felt a presence, someplace in his mind, a very Norwegian or Swedish (he wasn't good with differences on that..) one maybe judging by the voice, and very irritated, trying to push him away and reclaim... what...?

Oh, right. He wasn't... Shiro wasn't where he should be, was he? Suddenly, he felt like an intruder. He could hear things and smell them, but when he looked and his hands... they were both made of flesh. And when he experimentally clapped his hands, he couldn't feel them. Either of them. He couldn't feel his own hands.

(But who said they were his own? He felt like an intruder...)

"Sven! You're awake!"

Same voice as a second ago. A familiar voice. Wait, right, he knew that voice.

"Adam?" Shiro asked. And he opened his eyes. They felt not like his own and suddenly knew he was intruding. And he could, distantly, feel himself elsewhere, far, far, far away, on his own bed. He should go back. Why did he wander? Why did he feel the urge to wander so far away? It wasn't for this place. It was to go far from another. As if he, Shiro, was... not in danger, but a danger, staying there.

Like a bomb, waiting to be exploded, but caring too much to risk doing so at home.

Absurd, and so... he had to be dreaming. This was just a dream.

"Sven? You do remember my name is Adomas, don't you?"

Wait, what?

He suddenly felt as if he received, somewhere in his mind, no, near his mind, a very solid kick to his own mind, and suddenly, he stopped seeing things here, which was only fair, as it wasn't his place, and he slipped, into some darkness...

Last thing he heard was...

"Adomas! You won't believe it, and neither will Yorak, and Kitty, but some weird doppelganger ghost possessed me for a minute! By Voltron, I had no idea the Space Hospital was haunted!"

"Bud...... I'll call the doctors. Strange that you don't seem to be feverish..."

"And the ghost thought you were his ex-boyfriend!"

"Possibly because I'm your boyfriend, and the 'ghost' is a figment of a delirious... it might be side effect of medicine, I'll call the doc--oh, or I'll call Yorak-- and. Forget it, I... I'm just so glad you're here. Yesterday, the doctors said you were dying. But suddenly, you... suddenly... the doctors can't explain it, but you're doing so much better now, Sven, and... I... I just wanted to tell you, I'd never have forgiven myself if--"

"That's not... that's not anything doctors did, or I, I have a feeling... Adomas, I have a feeling that the ghost I spoke of, he gave me some of his lifeforce. If that makes sense?"

"No, it doesn't make sense, Sven. This one, even Yorak won't believe, I bet. You recovered. Mysteriously. Let's leave it at that?"

"Heh. I love you, too."

 _Ghost? That about me?_ Shiro wondered, not-quite-present-in-mind-or-nearby. _.. But I'm alive, just sleeping...._

_And who's Yorak, and why does it feel as if he might be connected to my brother... Keith..._

An image of 'Yorak' flashed between minds and Shiro understood immediately, maybe Sven subconsciously explained to him, and he to Sven, unsconsciously, by some temporary link in minds, and realities, and...

_Adomas = not-your-Adam_

_Yorak = not-your-Keith..._

_Kitty = not-your-Pidge...and what's your name...?  
_

_mine... Shiro...no... wait..._

_?_

_Gyro... no, wait, what am I saying, ignore this, Sven, Shiro, I am Shiro..._

the explanation went the other way around, too... through temporary mental link, as if... but... that was fleeting... like a dream, using subconscious, as any conscious thought would reject... other realities.. at first....

Satisfied with explanation, and still unsure what was going on, Shiro... floated away, possibly, and...

He only heard one more snippet of conversation, from far away...

"And Slav said you almost died saving some idiot called Lance. Who's Lance, anyway?"

"Eh, never met him before, but he felt like a friend."

"Felt like...? You say strangest things sometimes. Like a year ago, when you said that Yorak felt like a brother - even though, back then, you've only known him for three days."

"Hey, Adomas, did Slav ever tell you about other realities?"

"Well, yeah, now we know that apparently they exist and there's a version of Empress Allura that might've been a good person, but, what of it?"

"I think it's that. Ever felt love at first sight?"

"Nah, you just irritated me at first sight."

"Hey, thanks, but... well... well, I did. I think it's because actually, something inside us, recognises.... you know what? Later. I'm seriously thirsty."

"Sure, will fetch you some water and-"

 _Hey!_ Shiro wanted to scream to Sven. _If you allow your fiance to coddle you like this, he'll think you're weak and can't survive alone, when you can, you absolutely can and-_

_'bud you have self-worth issues, ghostie, who tried to break you? I think you should go have a nice cup of coffee and D &D game with Yorak, Adomas, Matt, Kitty, and that Lance kid, and maybe ask Slav and Iverson and... you were working for Allura, you said? And Empress Allura for a few days leave. Hey, I was gonna, according to doctors, die from wounds ten hours ago, and I'm less stressed than you are, Ghostie, you see what's wrong here? Go, relax.' he heard mentally, it wasn't spoken anywhere, it was... Sven... wait, was **Sven** gonna lecture him, oh no, enough was enough-_

the link broke...

***************

And Shiro woke up.

Keith entered his room, looking concerned.

"You were crying out, and... Shiro, are you alright?" Keith asked.

Crying out? Right, because he felt as if he shouldn't return here. Nightmares? No... a place... far away... why did he try going there? Into not his body, when here, he had a perfectly working body of his own...

Shiro felt... That even though here was his place (had to be? he remembered this being his place, and Voltron saved him, brought him here, confirming it was his place, right..? And Keith said it was, didn't he? Wouldn't have lied.... Still, he felt... that he, Shiro, being here, even though the body was his own and surely the bed was his own (wasn't it?), that was dangerous. A danger for Keith, for Pidge, for Matt, for Hunk, for Allura, for Lance, Coran, and everyone here... and...

But suddenly. Those thoughts dissipitated, as did the knowledge of other realities, and all was blank, save for what was here. What's always been here. And nothing else. Right?

"Shiro? You're feverish."

"I'm alright, Yora---"

"Hmm? What's a 'yora'?"

"I'm fine, Keith."

"Okay."

"Keith.... if something was wrong with my arm... would you cut it off if I asked?"

"Why are you asking?"

"I don't know," he said, feeling a headache coming soon if he continued this train of thought, that he had a feeling was... dangerous... "I don't know Keith, I don't know! But.... if this arm... was lethal.... I don't know, listen, maybe I'm half asleep, I don't know, I don't know, but.. would you... to save... cut off..."

Keith looked stunned, but then smiled softly, and, touching said arm, said,

"Might be fever talking, you saying such things, but... sure, Shiro. If your Galra tech arm ever acts up and tries to kill you, I'll cut it off immediately. Now, please, get some sleep."

"You promise?"

"I do."

And so, Shiro drifted back to sleep, this time, not trying to escape to another reality this time. Staying firmly in this one.

Next night, he drifted there again... and the night after... but then, he stayed in this one, even in dreaming.

For some weeks, at least. Not trying to escape, knowing there was no reason to.

*****

Or rather, finally utterly forgetting there could have been.


	3. Λήθη  /  And suddenly my heart is coming alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter takes place right before Keith leaves in equivalent of "Bloodlines". 
> 
> Yep, Coran just introduced "Monsters and Mana" a bit earlier in this universe.
> 
> Also, some intervals before main Voltron missions so to speak are longer in this universe let's say, but that will be apparent later. :)

So much time has passed. So much time has passed since he's seen him. But should he even see seek to see him again?

Yes… should he even see Matt again?

And should he see Keith again?

And others? Well, he was meeting others every day. Was that the right thing to do? Or not? For them, that is. For himself, it felt like breathing, but… still…

Sometimes, he felt as if he was drowning.

And a drowning man who tried to breathe, in the water, would only drown faster, he knew that.

He, Shiro… he was surely broken. Where else would headaches come from? Or the vision of the White Lion when Shiro wasn't even Altean? Or the vision of the witch?

His brain was surely broken. But he didn't dare tell even Lance or Pidge or Allura. Because what if they told Keith or Matt, and made them worry? That'd be literally the worst!

Anyway. It's been oh so long since he's last seen Matt except in some dreams, and dreams didn't count…

And after each dream, a headache came, and he couldn’t really remember the dream anymore, not truly.

In one of his dreams, long ago (long ago? Not so long, just not long after the escape) somebody who was a stranger but sounded familiar told Shiro to relax.

And also maybe called him ‘Ghostie’ and that was a strange detial not to forget, but, sure. Oh, and the stranger might’ve had a brother called Yorak. Weird name. Probably not very Earthly.

Alright, drinking herbs helped a little bit with headaches, but not much.

***************

And so, when Coran and Allura told all the Paladins about a supposedly fun games called 'Monsters and Mana', Shiro asked, haltingly, shyly, if they could invite Matt Holt to this weird new game (as far as Shiro was concerned) session expecting a 'no' or maybe a 'you don't deserve my brother!!' from Pidge (no, Pidge would never say that, so why did he sometimes almost imagine her saying that? Did he hate himself?? He wasn't sure...).... instead, Pidge and Hunk immediately nodded, and Pidge said,

"My brother's on a mission right now, but when he's back, let's invite him for a sesssion! Hey, what's gonna be your class, anyway, Shiro?"

"Paladin," Shiro answered without thinking.

"Wow, so you've read the manual already since you already know all the classes," Lance asked, some kind of admiration in his voice. "Man, you're fast!"

"Err-- er... no? I didn't... didn't read the manual. If that's alright... I will, don't worry!"

"What? Then how did you know there's option to play as a paladin?"

"I didn't know. I... hoped."

"Just like you hope for a date with Matt, hmm?" Pidge asked, with a sudden smirk.

That was. Maybe. Maybe... maybe the reality was worse than what Shiro imagined. Trying to stop himself from making any face expression (was there an option to have a blank one??? please!) he quickly left the room and only after leaving it, and then going even further, and maybe it was fifteen minutes until Shiro stopped holding his breath on accident and breathed again.

Oh no, oh no, oh no. Katie, no, Pidge, now new his very darkest secret - that he thought Matt was the most handsome man on this side of the galaxy, that is, this was of course Shiro's darkest secret, because, well.... shouldn't Matt learn that first, not Matt's and now Shiro's little sister??? (Well, sort of little sister, in Shiro's case. Sort of.)

Oh no, oh no, oh no.

Strangely, his headache lessened.

But really, oh no, what if Pidge told Matt before Shiro could confess?!

***********

Pidge found him soon.

"I won't tell him before you do. I thought you'd know that. Trust me."

Trust? He remembered trust. Why couldn't he feel it right now? He felt it with Black Lion, for a moment. Trust was.... a strange feeling.

He felt it with Black, almost despite himself. And ditto with Keith. Everybody else... he should trust, Shiro knew, everyone here, but somehow, that kind of emotion, it, nowadays... rarely came. Or not fully.

Because something was wrong with him?

Maybe not. He suddenly had a headache again, but despite that, Shiro decided to trust Katie.

"Okay, Katie," he said.

Pidge looked slightly surprised at hearing the name. Right, it's been a while...

"Katie, am I weird?"

"Heh, don't worry, Matt is weird, too," Katie replied, no, Pidge replied, grinning, and left, apparently having finished the conversation.

Wow. Strange that Katie misunderstood him, Shiro thought, when she was so smart. Still, it was comforting to hear.

And now. He could play some game called 'Monsters and Mana' soon... and maybe.... try and remember how he first confessed attraction, years ago, on Earth. But that was to another. That wasn't Matt. And no memories, perfect as they were, would help here, because... Shiro decided not to try treating Matt as he would another. Because Matt was Matt, so...

'How do I tell MATT that he's gorgeous, without saying that??' Shiro mused. Especially when Katie, no, Pidge, was onto him and could betray the secret on accident if Shiro was too slow... oh, no, oh, no. He'd have to act fast!

Yes. During the first game session, he would confess, he decided!

**********

Shiro ran up to Keith the moment the other returned from a mission with the Blade of Marmora. There was something he’s just remembered, from one of many dreams that didn’t sound or feel like dreams, and he needed to know, to ask, whether that could be real, or just some meaningless weird dream.

„Keith!”

„Hey, Shiro. Hunk told me you felt dizzy and had migraines, are you al—„

„Keith, who’s Yorak?”

Keith, turning off the marmoran mask, blinked and stared.

„Shiro, how’d you know that name?”

„Name?”

Keith looked very uncomfortable, and Shiro could see that he didn’t want to talk about any Yorak, whomever that might be.

So he put his hand on Keith’s shoulder, said it’s alright, and turned to go.

„Wait!”

„Hm?”

„I don’t understand, really, Shiro, but if I told you, would that help with the headaches?”

„What? No, why would it? Really, forget it, I was just… making things up, I guess. Because we’re playing Monsters and Mana today, and you should come, too. And I thought, well, maybe I’ll name my character ‘Yorak’.”

„I guess you could. I definitely can give you permission for that, though you don’t need it.”

„Exactly!”

He made a few steps to go away, then turned around and shouted,

„Wh-what do you mean?!”

Keith looked extremely embarassed. But somehow, he also looked as if he didn’t believe Shiro’s little white lie.

„Shiro, I don’t get what’s going on, but if this will help with your headaches, I’m ready to tell you. Just… just as long as you swear not to tell anybody else. To keep it a secret. Because it’s a weird name, and I wouldn’t like it.”

Shiro nodded mutely, now staring at Keith.

Fortunately, they were alone, as others were on missions, though they’d certainly be back soon. Well, Coran was there, but not there there. He was on the bridge and couldn’t hear them here. So unless Coran randomly came by, or Lotor did (where was he exactly right now? Someplace with Allura, for sure) then nobody could overhear the ‘secret’.

„Yorak’s the name that my mother was going to give me until Dad and her decided they preferred Keith,” Keith continued, „and I only know that because of a very, very, very old home-made Blue-Ray I’ve accidentally found at my house.”

„Blue-ray, huh? Right, you’ve said before that your father liked retro stuff like that.”

„Mhm. When I was a child, I’d sometimes play on Playstation 6 and Nintendo Switch 3. Old stuff like that. Just like Pidge, too, though I think hers might be some even older things.”

„I can imagine. But why is Yorak a secret?”

„It sounds dumb, and who’d want to meet a ‘Yorak’? It just sounds stupid, I always thought. So at least I’m Keith, that’s normal at least. Everybody would probably laugh at me if I was Yorak. Back on Earth, I mean. Here it’s probably a normal name.”

„Hey, if Yorak stole my car, I’d still get him a place in the Garrison, just so you know.”

„Thanks,” Keith replied, smiling softly. „Anyway… will this really help with your headaches?”

„I thought it would, because my… I guess migraine… somehow lessened when I first heard that name, and also sometimes when I hear your name, Keith, but my headaches are doing great, thanks for asking. A fresh one just”, Shiro said, wincing a little, „a fresh one just came up, and looks like it’s here to stay till evening at least, don’t worry.”

Keith glared at him.

Shiro tried to laugh at little – really, it felt wonderful, despite all the headaches, to have Keith back home – but he had a feeling that if he laughed, he’d then also cry from pain that was getting worse, and so, he stopped himself from laughing, settling on what he hoped was a smile, not a grimace.

He had no idea. As he wasn’t about to resort to carrying a mirror around. Somehow, seeing his own face made him feel unsettled lately. Even though…

„When I see myself in the mirror, that’s the only time my head goes silent.”

„Goes silent?” Keith asked, silently looking anxious.

„Stops hurting. But really, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

„Alright.”

****

That evening, he couldn’t fall asleep. Hard to do so, with all the headache. And then he spotted something. In the corner of the room.

He picked it up.

It was a small package with a sign that read _for Shiro, from Keith notYorak Kogane. For headaches. Glad you told me about stupid headaches, now we can obliterate them together._

Shiro smiled. Right, he was rarely in his own room nowadays, not counting nights, so Keith had plenty time to bring him anything and he did so, and he had a feeling he knew what it was, too.

It was just like Keith to treat a sudden and new chronic headache of Shiro’s like some enemy to kill. Headache, that is, not Shiro. So that Shiro wouldn’t have headaches anymore.

It was nice.

Now let’s see if his brother brought him, even though it was so unnecessary, exactly what he was.

He opened the package, and sure enough, there was a mirror inside.

That was nice, really.

Looking at it, grinning while wondering whether Keith bought it somewhere, or stole it, or ‘borrowed’ it from Lance, Allura, Coran, or Sam Holt, Shiro fell asleep, with no headaches.

None at all. As if his own face was the one thing that wouldn’t induce any headaches. Strange, but… fine, alright. No need to complain about that.

„Thanks, Keith,” he muttered, falling asleep, for the first time since the second escape from the Galra and full recovery, in a matter of minutes, not hours.

Shiro laughed a little, softly, as he fell asleep. Because he could, now, without wincing. Tomorrow before the Monsters and Mana session, he’d thank Keith for certain, for real. In person.

His little brother was spoiling him too much, but somehow, he could forgive that, because he really felt better now…

And he fell asleep.

****

_He was in a pod. He knew that, without knowing how. He was in water, or at least in liquid, he could tell that much. He opened and closed his eyes but that didn’t change the nothingness around him and he realised, with a sinking feeling, that he was blind._

_He tried to scream, tried very hard, but apparently, right, as logic would tell, if there was any logic here, it was impossible to scream in the water, or other liquid, and if it was, he’d make no audible sound, anyway. For sounds, air is needed. Different air than in the water. For the sound to travel…_

_He heard somebody say ‘put him under’ and somehow he had a feeling that he knew it could be either about him, or about somebody else, and that there was no difference, and that there were dozens of somebody else, but at the same time, it’d be all the same, and he didn’t understand that gut feeling or half-memory, but that was how it was._

_And he was blind right now, so what could he do, anyway?_

_Fight. Fight, he had to fight, but.._

_He had to be patient. Wait for his sight to come back, perhaps?_

_To come back? But what if he’s always been blind?_

_But suddenly he remembered times when some people would tell him to look at them. Parents. Iverson. Adam. Keith. Lance. Princess Allura. Kat—Pidge. Matt. Sam. Hunk. Slav. Some villagers. Some prisoners. And some of the Galra. And… Haggar? And others._

_So, Shiro wasn’t blind… but if he wasn’t blind, why was he blind now? He remembered seeing things, but he didn’t remember the feeling of it, not truly._

_Maybe something happened to him when he was fighting Zarkon…?_

_Then, right now, somebody said that there was no need to expand more resources on him, as he was clearly defective._

_For a moment, he felt as if suddenly, he was drowning, as the water or whatever filled his lungs when something inside the pod changed. Strange… shouldn’t the pods in the castle be safer than that…? He wanted to call Allura, or Coran, to ask them about that, why the pod was apparently suddenly malfunctioning, that is, because he trusted… he knew it wouldn’t hurt---_

_The water, or whatever, filled his lungs and he couldn’t ask about anything. He could only hope one of his friends would notice the malfunction, he trusted-_

_Wait_

_Was he in the Castle of Lions, or was he on some Galra—_

_No, he couldn’t be in some Galra ship, the Black wouldn’t-_

_So, he was surely, right now, in the Castle of Lions… he tried to relax, because, well, he had a few minutes till he’d die, and in those few minutes, somebody would notice the malfunction and turn it off, if not Allura or Coran as they were maybe too busy, then Keith, because well, let’s even say in the heat of battle things could happen, but, here (if this was in the Castle of Lions), here, here was home, and Keith wouldn’t let Shiro die—_

_He tried to relax—_

_As the nothingness around turned into—_

_True—_

_Nothing._

_***************_

Shiro woke up screaming. And immediately put a hand to his mouth, not wanting to worry others over some stupid nightmare.

A nightmare that, strangely enough, he could remember clearly and later he never forgot it.

His heard wasn’t hurting at all right now, so, that was… good, wasn’t it? What’s one freaky drowning nightmare. Small price to pay, surely.

Lance entered his room.

„Hey, I was close by and… did you hit your head or something? I thought I heard you scream.”

„I had a nightmare. About my time at the Galra ship.”

„Ouch. Yeah, freaky for sure. What did they do to you? Er, you don’t need to say.”

„They disposed of me. I was dead. That’s when I woke up, when I died.”

Lance, now somehow visibly relieved, sighed.

„Oooh, so it’s such kind of dream. I had those, too! Hey, I was scared you had, like, a more real one.”

„Huh?”

„If you dreamt you died, but you’re alive, then that’s just fear made into a dream, see? Nothing real. I had dreams in which I died. And then I wake up, and see how alive I am, and know they’re not real.”

„You’re right, Lance. Thank you. So… will you join the ‘Monsters and Mana’ session today?”

„You bet! Pidge says you gonna be a paladyn? Try not to drown, Mighty Paladin Shiro!”

„I’ll do my best. Once is more than enough. It felt like needles in my lungs.”

„I bet once is enough. That’s the spirit, paladin Shiro! Hey, we’re beginning it two hours. Even Keith will join. And Matt.”

„I can’t wait. What are you gonna be, a rogue?”

„Geez, couldn’t you predict I’d be a dashing knight or… fine, fine, yes. Maybe a rogue. But perhaps a mysterious assassin! Who doesn’t kill people by sticking their lungs with needles, by the way,” Lance said.

Shiro winced despite trying not to. And he had no idea whether or not Lance noticed.

In two hours, he’d be able to relax. Right now…. Apparently the nightmare didn’t ward migraines or whatever off, as, looking at Lance, he was beginning to feel the incoming headache.

Lance looked at him with concerned, so Shiro smiled softly.

He was getting better at better at smiling when his head hurt, in such a way as if it wasn’t hurting at all. Maybe someday, he’d learn how to do it so perfectly that he’d be able to convince even himself that he’s alright, in order to convince others.

Was he alright? He had no idea. The nightmare was unsettling. It felt like a memory. Not old memory, but recent memory.

Old memories where from Earth and from his time as the paladin up until the fight with Zarkon.

Recent memories where from the escape and after.

There were also other, stray memories, that fit nowhere, like the nightmare he just had.

Lance was alright. It’s impossible to remember dying when one’s alive.

So he’d try to put that out of his mind and enjoy the game of „Monsters and Mana” soon. That’d help.

Nobody needed to worry about him, when he wasn’t sure even whether he should worry about himself or not.

He met Keith in a corridor a few minutes later. His younger brother at least changed from marmoran armour and looked more like the old Keith again, like somebody who could play a fantasy game, and not just go on the missions all the time.

„Lance said you had some strange nightmare,” Keith said, as a greeting, apparently. Damn. „Are you alright, Shiro?”

„I dreamt I died,” Shiro said, with now more and more practiced smiled, which he didn’t feel bad about, because he was intending to tell the whole truth as he saw it, „So I know it wasn’t real. Do I look dead to you?”

Keith frowned, grabbed his arm – not the mechanical one, the other one – and looked Shiro right in the eyes.

„You’re warm,” Keith said.

„Right. And seeing as the dead get rather cold, we know now, right? I’m alive,” Shiro said, with a small smile.

Keith smiled in response, and said, „You are. But if you ever die when I’m not looking, I won’t let you, anyway.”

„How’s that?” Shiro asked, bemused.

„Somehow, even on so many different planets, many believe in some kind of afterlife. So, Shiro, if you die without telling me, ever, I’m coming for you.”

„Crossing the river Lethe?”

„The what river?”

„Nevermind. You didn’t read much myths, huh?”

„No, I didn’t. But wherever the heck that river is—„

„It’s in the land of the dead, ancient Greeks believed. And the dead would cross it, and as they drank, the Lethe’s waters made them forget all their loved ones. And they didn’t care anymore. The dead, that is. That’s why the dead never visit the living, ancien Greeks believed. I… think? And the dead felt comfortable enough in the land of the dead,” Shiro tried explaining.

„So,” Keith said, grimacing, „I’d cross that damned river, take you back, and throw you into healing pod until you remembered the team.”

„I think I’d let you.”

„You’d have nothing to say there. I’d drag you home, through that river.”

„I’m sure. Thanks.”

„I can ask Pidge and Hunk about ‘Lethe’ when we’re all not too busy, as I still don’t know what you’re talking about, not quite.”

„No need. It’s a metaphor.”

„Sure.”

******

Unbeknowest to Shiro, Keith decided to read in some book from Earth what ‘Lethe’ was exactly, and so on, but Shiro wouldn’t learn that until much later. Not in this life.

******

One hour until _Monsters and Mana_ session. Keith was called by Kollivan, and wouldn’t participate in today’s session, after all, as he immediately went on the mission.

 _Keith, you won’t jump into Lethe if you’re not here to see me cross it,_ Shiro mused, not sure what he was thinking about, exactly.

And then he forgot that train of thought, in a moment, with a fresh dizziness and headache. Just a small one, so, surely nothing was wrong.

Matt asked if he’s alright.

It was nice how concerned Matt always was, even though, in his old memories, Shiro would get a bit irritated at such questions, and try to change the subject or joke. But, instead of that, right now, Shiro said,

„Would it be alright… if I wasn’t alright?”

And looked at Matt pleadingly. He wasn’t sure why.

He trusted Keith, but he wanted to protect Keith from any hurt. But Matt – would Matt be hurt by Shiro’s pain? Were they that close? Maybe not.

And he trusted Matt, so maybe he could just tell Matt?

Suddenly, he forgot what he said, a second ago. And what he thought.

„Shiro?”

Matt looked concerned. And also, looked as if Shiro said something very serious or important or heavy a moment ago.

What could it be, Shiro wondered.

He took a deep breath, and deciding that it could only possibly be one thing, to make sense, with the heavy atmosphere and Matt Holt’s bewildered face expression, Shiro decided it had to be one confession only, and said, hoping he wasn’t repeating himself right now, and while trying to fight off the headache… Shiro said,

„Matt. I think I’m in love with you.”

*******

 _Maybe the best thing is,_ Shiro thought later _, I know I don't have to take care of Matt, or even worry too much about him. Otherwise, it would never work out, during the intergalactic war, I know it. Just look at Adam and me..._

 _Or am I just selfish?_ Shiro wondered.

_And does 'wow' in reply mean 'I love you, too' or 'I don't know how to say no yet because we're friends'? We immediately were accidentally interrupted by Lance, Allura, and Hunk, because the 'Monsters and Mana' session will begin in a moment, so I wouldn't know...._

_I so hope 'wow' means that he might like me, too, but I don't know. Why am I blushing as if I was sixteen years old? Geez...._

_***********_

"As for character class, I'm going to be a Paladin!" Shiro announced.

Coran suggested that there are many more interesting classes. Lance snickered, and, on the comm, called Keith who hasn't yet left on the mission, but was getting ready for it.

Shiro could almost hear the frown of 'so what?' in Keith's voice as Keith said, over the comm, "So? Of course Shiro's the Paladin. In Dungeons & Dragons - it's a very old game, you wouldn't know it - he always chose either the paladin or, when irritated, the hexblade. Sometimes. I really need to leave on a mission RIGHT NOW, Lance, but, thanks, now I know Shiro's feeling better. Or it'd be the Hexblade for you.:

After that, Lance laughed even harder.

Shiro glanced at Matt, hoping that Matt was a D&D fan, too.

"You played ancient D&D?!" Matt asked, eyes almost shining with joy.

"It's not that ancient," Shiro muttered, "It's from twentieth century, that's modern, not ancient."

But he felt happier than he's felt for days now. And the headache dissipitated - for the whole game session, at least.

It was good to be alive. And not drowning, and not hearing something that sounded like plenty of himself, or around, that might've been drowning, too. Wait, was that from another nightmare? Earlier one? That he forgot and maybe could remember now if he tried?

No matter. He... Shiro didn't want to remember it right now. No. Never. Not when he could be with friends, and make new memories, somehow better than old memories, sometimes, even if lacking in details, comparatively.

There was no reason to remember old nightmares. Those never truly happened, they couldn't, it was like his brother, Keith, said: if Shiro died, he wouldn't be alive, so the nightmare - it wasn't memory, just fear.

Just fear.

And today, there was nothing to be afraid of, for the moment, at least.

Today... it was good to be alive. And just relax and play a paladin in _Monsters and Mana,_ surrounded by everyone he cherished. Except Keith, whom he really thought of as brother, but the Marmora mission wasn't going to last more than a few days, apparently, so... Keith would surely be back in time for the second _Monsters and Mana_ session.

Oh, yes, there will be one, Shiro, Coran, Matt, and Allura decided that already. Unless something horrible would happen.

Today, it was just wonderful to be alive. It shouldn't be a foreign feeling, so Shiro wondered why it seemed to be. He blamed half-forgotten nightmares. And the witch, for some reason he wasn't able to explain even to himself, but... it just felt right.

If everything good was Keith, Katie - er, Pidge, Matt, Hunk, Lance, Allura, and others, then everything evil, headaches included, was Haggar, somehow, though why, he had no idea, so he didn't plan on talking about that, yet.

Not while having fun.

Just the same as there was no need to question why his bond to Black never again felt as strong as it was when fighting Zarkon. In old memories, Shiro almost never remembered touch - but he could swear he almost remembered touching the Black Lion, once.

It was his last old memory. And he tried not to think about it, almost ever. Remembering it felt almost sacrilegious somehow. As if he was never meant to know it. What happened afterwards?

Ignoring the nightmares that couldn't be true memories, what happened afterwards was... nothing he could remember.

And then, the Galra checking his optical stimuli.

Then, more of nothing he could remember.

Then, the escape.

"Now that you've all chosen classes, let's begin!" Coran said.

Oh. Lost in thought, Shiro didn't catch what classes everyone chose. That was no big deal, he'd see and hear of them soon.

 _Relax,_ he told himself. For the first time in many days. He needed that, he realised. This was _life,_ what he was experiencing right now. This was _life._

 _This is the difference between the life and the nightmares, because in life, in reality, I didn't die in some pod, and I didn't die on some table, and I didn't die on the floor, and I didn't die shot by a Galra soldier who then said that somebody that slow wouldn't make it anyway, and I have no idea why I'd even think all that,_ Shiro thought, more and more certain. It felt great. Here, with everyone. Safe. Alive. And not dangerous.

And since he was alive, he was going to live, he's suddenly decided. He was going to live, and ignore all the nightmares. Here and now, he was going to _live_.

**********

"Oh, no, the giant mouse monster ate Shiro? Thaaat would hurt," Matt said, nodding with a look of mock compassion, and placing his hand on Shiro's.

Shiro, who was grumbling a little, couldn't help but laugh. It's good Matt could make it to this M&M session.

"Actually," Shiro said, "if the giant mouse bit my head clean off, that'd probably be almost painless. Very quick. I'd wish such quick death on anyone here."

"Yeah," Matt said, "that'd be over quick, as you need the brain to feel pain. I guess your M&M hero isn't completely unlucky in that regard."

"Exactly!" Pidge said, snickering.

"My first death in this world ever, and so ignoble," Shiro said, grinning slightly, "and here you're all mocking my poor paladin."

"Does that mean you'll choose something else now?"

"No way!"

His head stopped hurting, completely. And he felt so alive. Did he forget this feeling? It had to be there, somewhere in his old memories. Factually, he knew it was.

Whatever the case, it was great to experience it here and now. With his new family. Allura, Pidge, Matt, Lance, Hunk, and Coran seemed to be having fun, too, which was even more important to him.

Next time, Keith had to be there, too, no takebacks. Everyone, doing something that wasn't headache inducing.

This was life, truly. This is why he now wanted to live.

Why did he ever have any doubts? In new memories only, but, why?

Shiro now wanted to stay alive, here and now, with everyone he cherished. As long as possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: 'Suddenly my heart is coming alive' is a fragment of lyrics from Jennifer Paige's "Edge" lyrics. 
> 
> 'Λήθη' is 'Lethe'.


	4. And I Can Check Your Fingerprints

They weren’t sure why they were whispering. Or maybe it was because they were in Pidge’s room right now and she could come and overhear them at any moment.

Maybe they should have gone to Shiro’s room. But somehow, despite all the memories, new and old, Shiro could just never quite feel at ease in his own room. It almost felt haunted sometimes. Not actually haunted, it was more of a gut feeling.

 _I don’t remember being superstitious in the past,_ the old Black Paladin thought, but had to quickly shove that thought away as he saw Matt leaning closer.

„I’ve just realised, I haven’t confessed yet. When you have,” Matt said, seeming sheepish.

 _But I don’t want to hear that. I don’t want to know. Because what if you don’t love me? Somehow, I don’t feel like someone that should be loved. Even though, unless I hallucinated my life, it happened before,_ Shiro thought, suddenly.

Not wanting to hear anymore, he leaned in and kissed Matt. Who didn’t protest, and kissed him back, gently, so, all was well, wasn’t it?

And then Shiro suddenly realised that he’s wasting time right now. No, it was more of a… sudden knowledge. Or information. That he wasted time playing _Monsters and Mana_ and that now he was wasting time having a first date with Matt.

That it was unnecessary.

His headache increased and he felt as if his head would split in half, honestly, with how bad it was.

He pulled away from Matt.

„You’re not that good, nerd, don’t flatter yourself. I guess I wanted to try once, but this is enough. See you later,” Shiro heard himself say, and he turned away and left the room.

It was strange, because he didn’t really intend to do that.

It was all very strange. And why would he say something like that to Matt? He didn’t even _really_ say it, not himself, he knew immediately, but.. did Matt hear that, too? Was that really said outloud? Who said it? Why did that person use his voice? No, he said it because he felt himself say it… but why would he say it?

Matt followed him.

„Are you alright? I saw you clutch your head, and then your arm. Is something wrong?” Matt asked.

Shiro waited for a moment, making sure he was in control of himself again. But why would he not be? What was wrong with him?!

„I’m fine!” he shouted, just he, himself. Angry. No, scared. No, terrified. Because he loved Matt and Matt maybe could someday love him but now everything was over before it really began.

Frustrated, desperate, he closed the distance and kissed Matt again, with passion, fear, and haste, ignoring anything deep inside that tried to tell him it was a waste of time or that this was impossible, or that he wasn’t able to do it.

His head hurt more and more, and Shiro knew it’d hurt less if he gave up on being in love, or liking Matt, or liking anyone, but, NO. _No. I won’t give up. Even if this kills me,_ Shiro decided, just for himself, in his own mind, and if anything or anyone was listening, well, let it be known to them, he won’t give up on love, never.

Not this time.

This time that felt like a first time and in some strange way for some kind it had to be even though all hi sold memories were telling him that it wasn’t the first time at all, for any kind of love.

But his heart was telling him that it was.

Or at least, that somehow, this was his first ever and second ever kiss, even though it wasn’t, couldn’t be, Shiro remembered this much and more.

So why couldn’t he remember how it felt when he kissed before, back on Earth? Just because it wasn’t Matt? No. That wasn’t the case.

Feeling… that was different. Apart from seeing and hearing, he could feel now. Back on Earth… why didn’t he remember how things felt there? Not emotions, he remembered all of those… but just rudimentary… _physical feelings and sensations._ Sight, hearing, even smell, yes, but… touch, he only remembered from new memories and he could touch and feel now. As if he couldn’t back on Earth, before the Kerberos mission, even though that couldn’t be true. Factually, he knew that.

So, something was wrong with his head? With his brain? What else did he forget, even though he remembered everything he remembered so perfectly, even photographically?

What else was was wrong with him?!

And why did he say what he’s just said a moment ago?!

„Matt, Matt, I’m so sorry, I just don’t know what came over me. I love you… I think. I want to be with you,” Shiro uttered, after the kiss, desperately.

Matt stared at him.

„Really, please tell me, Shiro, what’s wrong? Before we do anything, please tell what’s wrong.”

„T-tell?”

„Can you really like me if you can’t trust me?” Matt asked, looking concerned now. „And when you called me a nerd and so on, you sounded too smug to be quite yourself. So I didn’t take that to heart. I think… you might be suffering from a trauma or something. And I think the root cause is that Galra arm, obviously. We should check it out,” Matt continued.

Shiro’s face fell, and he asked, in a whisper, „Does that mean you don’t love me?”

„What? No!! I’m just saying we should check your arm out, you dumbass, before we jump into a bed together. Unless you want to accidentally call me a nerd when I’m busy making out with you later.”

„Oh. That makes sense,” Shiro replied, and, deciding that this all stressful enough and he really needed some levity or his head would expload, he said, „You know what, darling?”

„Hm?”

„If it’s you, I’d even give up my arm… for a day.”

Matt giggled at that, „You’re awful at flirting, Shiro, but it’s not the worst pickup I’ve had.”

„I thought so.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was later that day when, with utmost care, Matt, Pidge, Hunk, and the mice took Shiro’s Galra prosthetic arm off.

Pidge and Hunk took it and went with it to Pidge’s room to check the arm thoroughly again.

Pidge and Hunk didn’t notice, focused on the arm as they were, but Matt noticed rather quickly – something seemed wrong with his friend and… boyfriend? Was Shiro now a friend he was in love with or a boyfriend or did that even matter right now because Shiro was…

Oh, no.

 _I was sure something was wrong with Shiro because of his arm, but now… what’s wrong now?!_ Matt wondered, in a panic. Because, just one look at his new… love…?... and he could see something was wrong, absolutely.

Maybe they shouldn’t have taken the arm off.

Shiro seemed to be in some state of panic or shock and Matt had no idea why, when everything was done so carefully, actually painlessly, and after Shiro agreed to everything – but now, something was wrong with Shiro.

Shiro was shaking, trembling, eyes open wide, and he was suddenly really, very pale.

Matt grabbed Shiro’s left arm. Flesh arm. And held Shiro's hand.

„Shiro?”

„Matt? Is it you? I can hear you…”

There was panic in Shiro’s voice, and almost childlike helplessness, and a …. Relief?

„Why wouldn’t it be me?”

„I can’t see, Matt,” Shiro stated, now sounding slightly calmer, while also desperately clutching Matt’s hand in his own. „I’m blind. From the moment Katie turned my arm off, I’m blind. Pidge, I mean. From that moment… I’m blind. I don’t get it.”

„Neither do I. But it’ll be alright, Shiro.”

„Will it?”

„I don’t know,” Matt muttered, unsure and not wanting to lie. „I just don’t know.”

Slowly, Shiro stopped trembling. After a longer while, he said,

„I’m feeling better.”

To Matt’s shock. Shiro was suddenly blind… how could he be feeling better?!

„H-how?”

„I don’t have a headache anymore. But I also feel weird. I feel as if suddenly, I’m slowly forgetting all my old memories, the ones from before the escape, and that… scares me. I’m scared, Matt.”

„It’s okay. I’m here for you. Okay? Shiro?”

„Why?”

„Because we’re friends and because I’m falling for you, I guess.”

And then, suddenly, Shiro pushed Matt away and…

Shiro began breathing quickly, too quickly, with sharp intakes of air.

„I… f-forgot…” Shiro stammered out quickly, „b-b-but I r-r-r-r-r-rem-m-m-ember falling, and fallin, and falling… literally, I mean… when I died, I don’t know which time… how could I have forgotten?!”

Matt stared at him.

He’s never seen Shiro so scared, not even in the arena.

„Shiro! You never died!” Matt shouted, grabbing the other man by the shoulders.

„I… never… did? But… I… I died… twenty times… no….. fourty…five? No, I think.. I died…sixty two times….”

„Shiro! You’re alive, so you never died. Hey. Hey, can you hear me? Trust me. You. Never. Died!”

„Okay… I didn’t… so… who did?”

„I don’t understand.”

_Shiro is staring at me, and I can see that he ACTUALLY can’t see me, even though there’s physically absolutely no reason for any ocular functions to cease the moment a prosthetic arm is taken._

_And I love him and I want to help him, like he helped me, but I don’t even understand what he’s talking about, what he’s asking about,_

Matt realised.

„What’s going on?” Matt asked, frowning.

Really, what was going on?!

"Matt..." Shiro asked, very quietly, "is there something wrong with me? I am Shiro, aren't I? Then, why--why is it so... so... so strange... to be myself... to be Shiro... sometimes, I--"

"Shiro, of course you're yourself, what are you talking about?"

"Then I am really whom I remember being?"

"Yes, you most definitely are. If it makes you feel better, I'll check your fingerprints."

"Please do."

"I was joking... but, alright, I can, Shiro. I will."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

Just then, Lance and Allura’s voices came up on the comm,

„Hunk, Pidge, Shiro, are you there? There’s an emergency, we need to get to our lions, NOW!”

Shiro sighed, took a deep shaky breath, and let go of Matt’s hand.

„I’ll be ready in a quarter of a varga,” Shiro said, matter of factly, „I just need to reattach my arm.”

Matt nodded. The arm could be thoroughly checked for any new insidious Galra modifications some other time. Now, apparently, there was no time to do it.

„I’ll go back to Black,” Shiro now told Matt, „and meet Pidge and Hunk on the way there, I’m sure they can give me my arm back quickly. Don’t worry.”

„You’re not going anywhere,” Matt grumbled. He couldn’t believe it, really. What was Shiro thinking? Did he want to bump into all the walls?!

„Huh?”

„You’re not going anywhere alone blind. Come on, take my hand.”

„That’s unnecessary. I can almost feel the lion, I’ll manage to get there on my own. Even without sight. Besides, I know the way to the hangars by heart. Don’t worry, Matt. Let’s… have our _real_ first day later, and I’m… I’m sorry for all the awful things I’ve said. I’m so, so, so, so sorry. And .. I don't want to be blind. Because I want to see you again, and I want to see Keith again, and I want to see Lance again. And... Matt, I get this weirdest feeling sometimes that I'm not myself, and then I'm dangerous. Could you please protect Keith from me? And. All the things I said to you, Matt... that wasn't me... I think? I mean... it was my voice...and my brain...so I guess...it was me?? I'm sorry, I've messed up, I'm sorry ... tell me...am I myself at all...am I Shiro? And could you forgive..? Could you… nevermind.”

„I forgive you,” Matt said, smiling softly. And then added, "And, sure, I promise to protect your little brother from being in the same room as you until we get your arm fixed. It might be some Galra virus? Pidge, Hunk and I will delete it and voila, you're good as new, my dear Shiro. Takashi."

Shiro, still temporarily blind for still, to Matt and him, unexplainable for now reason, grinned.

He looked, right now, somehow more free and happier than Matt’s ever seen him since the Reunion.

„That... felt right. I was uneasy when everyone called me Shiro... even though I am myself, aren't I? But... maybe I won't feel as uneasy if...You know what, Matt? Call me _Takashi._ Always. I'll ask Keith, too. And... I love you, Matt. I love you,” Shiro said, and this time, even though he looked sickly pale, he wasn’t wincing at all, and Matt wondered whether the strange headaches of Shiro’s stopped completely.

„Yeah,” Matt replied, smiling warmly, „Be careful out there, okay? You don’t look too good.”

He felt a bit concerned, but as Shiro went in the direction of the Voltron Lions, Matt Holt didn’t try to stop him, knowing that it’d be futile.

Besides, right now, Shiro seemed so… free. As if something was holding him prisoner again.

The arm? Probably not, unless there was some malfunction?

Was it too much too hope that Pidge and Hunk managed to fix it by now, and now, getting the arm back, right before the mission, Shiro won’t have this arm malfunction anymore?

 _Nah, it’s not too much too hope,_ Matt thought, hopeful _, because my one and only best little sister is awesome and so are her friends. I bet Shiro will feel better now. I bet his arm’s fixed. And he won’t ever accidentally say he doesn’t love me again._

_Because… he does love me? Doesn’t he?_

_I’m confused now._

_But, he trusted me when blind. Doesn’t that mean something?_

_But I’m glad he’ll get his sight back in a moment. He shouldn’t suffer. He never should. He’s suffered far too much already, for everyone here._

_But…. That’s not why I love him. I love Shiro because he’s Shiro._

_Maybe I fell in love with him on Kerberos, and never noticed._

_On the moon, huh? Pidge will call me a hopeless romantic._

Maybe.

****

And then Matt's realised that HE hasn't told Shiro that he loved him, still. Drat.

Maybe that was for the best. If he did that in that moment, when Shiro was temporarily blind, the other man could've mistaken that for pity or something, perhaps. Shiro was like that sometimes.

Or at least used to be.

The after-reunion-Shiro, the Shiro Matt was now sure he fell in love with, seemed slightly different. Less confident, but maybe more trusting? Though more frustrated with everything.

Matt shook his head. Shiro was Shiro. Same person. There was no point to such strange thoughts. Pidge changed a bit out there in space, and so did Matt himself, and so, surely, did Shiro.

It wasn't weird, nor concerning, was it?

Besides, he always thought his infatuation with Takashi Shirogane would forever be unrequited, and now it seemed to be mutual. Shouldn't he feel happy about that, and stopped worrying about arm malfunctions and mysteries for a varga or for an hour?

Maybe he should. Maybe Matt worried too much, sometimes. Heh, it probably came with the territory - he was used to worrying, as older brother of Pidge. But Pidge was doing awesome now, and Shiro was doing much better than Matt ever was, and surely there was no need to worry.

Once they'd manage to fix the arm, or make a new one, if that one was the problem, everything would be fine with Shiro, wouldn't it?

Matt suddenly heard a loud _thud!,_ so to speak, though much worse sound than that, because this was reality, not some fantasy comic book. The _thud!_ was not far from the room. And he thought of Shiro immediately, even though Shiro should probably be in Black Lion by now.

Matt ran outside the room, even though walking would've been just as fast, as this was... just outside Pidge's.

Shiro was now lying on the floor, unconscious, not having managed to run - or walk - more than a few steps away from Pidge's room.

He was pale, shaking, unsconscious - that wasn't hard to see, and... and also, Shiro was sweating, and, well, when Matt touched his forehead.... he suspected body temperature of fourty two degrees in Celsius, at least. But he'd have to check. He didn't even have time to feel scared, he needed to quickly help Shiro.

Matt checked his pulse.

It was very slow.

"Shi-- Takashi, hang on."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Two PoVs in this chapter, so --------------- is used to indicate the change. (After --------------- is Matt's PoV. :) )
> 
> And now I'm seriously gonna return to other fics, so next chapter of this one: in May or June, actually. I wrote what I wanted to immediately write, so now, a break. :D
> 
> Stay healthy, everyone.
> 
> A/N 2:
> 
> Excerpt from next chapter (which... well, next chapter is circa 7k in rough draft and I'm gonna edit it, and meanwhile I miss 'the City with No Chiss' and am gonna update it soon, so... next chapter in May. Early May) (and next chapter is Cloneshiro's in first person PoV for various reasons, but you'll all see. Hey, various chapters will have various PoVs sometimes, in this fic. :) ):
> 
> **  
> (...)
> 
> "Are you crazy?" Katie - no, her name was Pidge? - asked me. "Your heartrate is improving now that I got you your arm back - and I don't even know how that works, yet - but, Shiro, no way, you can't fly the Black like that, you need to rest!"
> 
> "I do?" I asked. It was all strange. I didn't even die. Only almost died.
> 
> Wait, of course I didn't die. People are dead after they died. So if I died, I wouldn't have been alive.
> 
> But that felt strange. Weird.
> 
> It didn't feel right. But if I'm myself, it's true.... so, am I? But calling Pidge 'Pidge' that feels like something other people would do. Even though I always called here that, didn't I? Or almost always.
> 
> "Of course you need rest!" Katie shouted. 
> 
> I wonder if I can call her Katie. That'd be something that I'd do, something that would be 'mine'.
> 
> I might be going crazy.
> 
> I tried to smile, and asked, "Why'd I need rest?"
> 
> Lance chimed in, "Hunk and Pidge and her bro told me! You've almost died! Hey, rest a bit, this doesn't seem like a super difficult mission over there, we'll manage without Black."
> 
> "Really?"
> 
> "Or what, d'you wanna see me die by Keith's hand? 's what would happen if I let you be the leader of anything a second after you almost dropped dead from fever."
> 
> "It wasn't really fever... more than that it was... something about my arm?"
> 
> "So, if I let you drop dead from armlessness. Same thing."
> 
> "Okay, Lance, I'll rest for a varga or two."
> 
> "There, see? Now that's good leadership. A good leader gotta rest sometimes, too, so that he doesn't drop dead! And you should teach Keith that, too!" Lance said.
> 
> "I'll try."
> 
> My head was hurting again. But at least, I now could see everything. And also, not die, which, well, was nice.
> 
> When I was blind,why did I have doubts that I'm myself? I don't have such doubts anymore, right now, thankfully. Also, I should contact Matt. He went on another mission and he's probably still worried sick about me.
> 
> Even though I said those awful things back then. 
> 
> I did? Well, yes. It's not like anybody else can speak through me. Is it?
> 
> Though it felt like that. What did they do to me, before my second escape? I think maybe I should write on my forehead IF I SAY THINGS THAT SOUND HORRIBLE, THIS ISN'T ME, BUT SOME HAG.
> 
> I snickered. Bad joke, maybe, and I don't know why I even thought of it, and my headache increased exponentially at such thoughts, but, still, suddenly, I felt very... free? Alive? Happy?
> 
> Well, it's hard to define.
> 
> "Matt," I whispered, "yeah. I should contact Matt. Tell him I'm okay now. And that I've remembered that I'm myself, and that I never died. I don't know what was wrong with me."
> 
> And also... I need to make everybody promise to never tell Keith that I almost died of fever. That's just... too much. My boy would never stop worrying.


	5. Interlude 2: I'm not calling you a thief, just don't steal from me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe he just wanted to escape into the future or present of the past, but then, why was it seeming as if he was meeting this person, this man, for the first time, and felt no love save nostalgia?  
> ******  
> If you find yourself in stolen clothes in stolen house with stolen friends, and your memory can't be relied upon anymore, because are you you, are you the victim, or are you the thief, and the ex-fiance walks in on your crime or your innocence, and you don't remember, what do you even say?
> 
> "I'm sorry." ? Or something else?
> 
> *****  
> The 'chapter' is wholly from Shiroclone's PoV, even though that's rude, considering the place of action. Oh, well! XD Another time there will be an interlude from his PoV, so. No hurry. XD  
> ******  
> And then Adam will wake up thinking he had the weirdest dream, not knowing he touched a part of reality in it, and met one Gyro, not just dreaming, but that's for another time.

He was dying and he knew it. Though he hasn't died, and maybe he won't.

But he didn't want to feel death, as he hallucinated that he felt it nine hundred seventy four times in the past... wait, what...? Where was he... getting the numbers from...?

And so, he wrangled some magic that wasn't his, perhaps... he wasn't quite sure what he's done... and he escaped... accidentally leaving own body behind.

He will be back in it, and he won't die this time, but he didn't know that yet.

And perhaps, deep down, he didn't want to escape to himself or anyone who looked just like him

so

he escaped...

elsewhere...

not to another reality, but to same one, to a mind, that wasn't his, that wasn't a Shiro's, but that should feel bonded too, but felt...

even inside mind, inside dream, (inside dream does not mean not real... it just means invasive, accidentally...).. .it felt...

*********

But...

*****

Shiro looked around.

Somehow, he immediately knew that he was inside a dream, or a daydream. Probably a dream. That guy didn't have daydreams that elaborate.

He knew whose it was, because he remembered.

This should all... feel more... more awkward, he should feel more awkward, and also he should feel more love, he thought, but somehow, he felt distant. He sat down, even though there didn't seem to be anything there to sit down upon... however, a chair appeared, just as he thought it would.

Because he was inside a dream, though not his own, and he knew he was, here, an invader, really, whether he was or wasn't who he thought he was.

Shiro looked around. There wasn't a lot here right now... the dream was... hmmm... probably not during a very deep sleep.

But the dream, he was sure of it, and therefore this mindspace.... why, again, did he escape to somebody else's mindspace, again? Why???

He was trying to remember.

Well, no matter.

He knew that somehow he escaped... wasn't that rude? He should've knocked...

Somehow, he escaped into Adam's mind.

**********

"Hello?!" Shiro called, as he was quite sure sitting around, literally, unanounced, in an ex-boyfriend's mind would, by probably every being in the whole reality of their, be considered a faux pas. "Heeeelloooooooo?!"

Adam appeared suddenly, very suddenly, on a chair (not existent until now) right beside Shiro's.

Also, something that Shiro definitely didn't expect (then again, anything could happen, and this just proved this place was really Adam's and not Shiro's)... Adam appeared here naked.

Not for long, really.

Adam stood up and quickly clothed himself even though really, there was no need in Shiro's honest opinion, in clothes that were nonexistent here a second ago and then he looked at Shiro, carefully.

*********

BUT....

If you find yourself in stolen clothes in stolen house with stolen friends, and your memory can't be relied upon anymore, because are you you, are you the victim, or are you the thief, and the fiance walks in on your crime or your innocence, and you don't remember, what do you even say?

"I'm sorry." ? Or something else?

***********

But....

"Takashi?" Adam asked, shocked.

However... despite the shock... He sounded as full of doubts about that being the question with a 'yes' answer as Shiro felt right now, for some reason.

"I don't know," Shiro said. "Am I? I think... the reason I came here was to ask you that. Because I don't know, anymore. Am I? Am I really?"

"What... are you talking about? You... you're alive!"

"Am I?" Shiro asked, again. His head was beginning to hurt. Yes, even here. Even here.

"Takashi!"

"No, I... that's not my name! I can feel that now. I'm not.. who I am. Adam, I... I never was. I think. And I don't know where Takashi is. Or maybe I do know, but I don't remember. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry--"

"Takashi, what--"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry--"

"Stop--"

"I'm so--"

"I don't know what you're talking about, but did you say you're not Takashi? But you look just like-"

"I don't know, I don't know, just call me Gyro or something, I just don't know, Adam, but.... I died nine hundred seventy four times, Adam, and I don't know you, I never did, I think your ex-boyfriend died in the Black Lion, and I don't know a thing, and once I open my eyes, my head will hurt again and I'll forget, so LET ME TELL YOU AND ASK YOU IF I"M REAL, DAMMIT, SHUT UP AND LISTEN--"

"Okay... okay. 'Gyro', I don't understand a thing, but if you're saying that Takashi is dying, tell me where-"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Adam, I... I don't know.... maybe the Lion... maybe the Witch.. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I think. I somehow. Stole. Takashi's life, or else... why would I have it... I don't know. Adam, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorr--"

***********

Did he throw himself out? Was he thrown out? Was that accidental? Or on purpose? Shiro... no, that wasn't his name, or was it...

No longer knew...

**********

Maybe he just wanted to escape into the future or present of the past, but then, why was it seeming as if he was meeting this person, this man, for the first time, and felt no love save nostalgia and sudden onslaught of guilt, feeling like a thief, that he wasn't, as he didn't remember stealing a thing?

He no longer knew, and...

************

He was now in his own mind, and... was he dying...or not....?

*******

And then he wasn't in any mind.

*********

And then he opened his eyes, real, and saw Pidge, Matt, and Hunk.

"I'm sorry," he muttered, feeling as if, right this second, he was forgetting something very important, and added, quickly, feeling the memories of that fade, "I... it's not me, I... I... I stole..."

And then, he forgot what he was talking about.

And he wanted to ask whether he was himself - Shiro - or somebody completely different.

Why did he want to ask that, again?

Wasn't the answer obvious? That he was Shiro?

What did he see, in a dream? Or in reality?

Who did he feel guilty towards?

"Shiro! You're alive!" Matt cried out, and Shiro almost remembered...

(Takashi, you're.. alive...?)

But he didn't really remember, not quite, and so, it didn't happen, certainly, because all the memories he had still felt perfectly well detailed and remembered, and so, why would he forget anything, when his memory was strangely detailed... photographic... perfect... even though it didn't use to be that way, and now, wasn't anymore....

*********

_I'm sorry..._

_*******_

He thought he said. To somebody who was important in memories, but didn't feel imporant now, no more important than one of favourite actors, just freshly met in reality for the first time, would feel... that is, important but not as much as he should be.... but... who?

*********

"Shiro, how are you feeling?" Hunk ask.

A relevant question, definitely, but Shiro first had to remember that yes, he was Shiro (who else would be) and that yes, he was feeling... something.

But what was he feeling? He barely knew himself. Or...

"Shiro?"

It didn't feel right. But why?

That name.

If it, it was, truly his, and it had to be, own memories, own brain, own mind told him so, then why did it feel so wrong and stolen, sometimes, at times he couldn't recall?

**************

Perhaps he crossed the Lethe, he wondered somewhere deep inside, for the first time, as he soul was slowly born, right now.

*********

"Shiro?"

"I'm okay, Matt," Shiro (was that he? Was that his name?) lied, lied for the first time in his life it almost felt like.

Lied on purpose, needing time to think.

And fainted, while hearing, "His temperature is still much too high!! What do we do?!"

******

Perhaps he wanted to stay unconscious, for now.

Perhaps it was his soul, if that existed.

Or perhaps he had no idea anymore, about himself, his identity, his life, anything, and only when he was unconscious did he understand and could name - himself, and his feelings.

Was he Shiro? Or not?

"Shut up and tell me..." Shiro said, into a void.

But who could tell him?

And if he wasn't himself, he was a thief, wasn't he?

Suddenly, he felt... scared. It was different than dying hundreds times (what?)... it was a different kind of fear.

Less primal. Better, or... worse... because it felt... comprehensible.

So... he had to either be Shiro, truly, convincing himself of that true... or be confused... or too scared to function...

and he had no idea.

Was that why he felt guilty?

Was he?

Or not? Perhaps Lance would know? Or Keith? He should ask them, maybe. Later, maybe. Not today.

Maybe he can figure out the anwers, he muses. With time.

*******

 _Patience yields focus,_ Takashi ~~Gyro~~ Shirogane thinks, now slowly waking up now, opening his eyes, vividly alive, his head still hurting all the same, when it almost didn't in another pace, and it's no wonder he wakes up alone, as everyone left on the mission, and suddenly, he feels lonely, lonelier than any sane person his age has the right to feel, he thinks, because he, Shiro isn't a child, he is twenty five years old...

(Is he really?)

(But in that time, when did he die hundreds times over.... no...

)

No, those were hallucinations.

He wakes up fully. Naturally, he's in one of the pods, Castle of Lions' pods for healing, and according to his own memories, he should feel a bit stressed, but not panicked, as he already accepted and felt that Altean pods were not like any of the Galra stuff...

In his old memories, Shiro knew that, accepted that. In his new ones, right now, this was his first time in a pod that he could remember since old memories.

But everything he, Shiro, should be feeling...wasn't what he felt right now.

There was only one feeling inside him, one he couldn't quite remember from before, not with this intensity.

Suddenly, whether he was himself or not didn't matter.

That he had his arm back right now thanks to Pidge and Hunk did not matter.

That he maybe visited Adam in Adam's dream and then half-forgot didn't matter.

That he was now hald healed thanks to an Altean pod, thanks to Allura, Coran, and everyone, didn't matter.

That he this very second wet himself from absolute fear, sudden fear, didn't matter.

That he had no idea whether Matt loves him or not didn't matter.

That he probably is Shiro, hopefully, but who the fuck knows, didn't matter.

Whether Keith would return alive or not from some Blade of Marmora mission didn't matter.

Whether Galra would ever get defeated or not didn't matter.

Whether he was real or not, himself or not, remembering himself - Shiro - right and true - or not

Did. Not. Matter.

There was only

At being inside the pod

The unspeakable

Plain

Sheer

Absolute

Chilling

Maddening

Terror.

******

Coran came into the room, and opened up a pod upon seeing Shiro awake and mostly recovered and perhaps upon seeing his face expression.

Shiro didn't move and didn't speak for the next two hours no matter what Coran did or said.

Finally, Coran left Shiro alone, as other Paladins apparently called Castle for help, but that didn't really matter to Gyro...no, to Shiro...was he even confusing his own name right now???

But, right now, that didn't matter to Shiro, either.

If Coran hasn't let him out of the pod.... he... Shiro...felt as if he... would have died from sheer terror of.... memories? What memory??? Of being in a pod not quite like this, but... but... but...

Nothing...

"Patience yields focus," he whispered, mouth dry, as he still hasn't drunk water or anything since waking up now.

Couldn't.

Feared it.

Why?

"Patience yields..."

The words suddenly felt alien on his tongue.

Did he really say them long ago?

Was that long ago...in old memories....his _own??_

_Sheer terror... this is the name...of what I felt in the pod._

_Like terror unto death._

_But I never died, never was killed, because I'm alive right now, and people die if they are killed._

Over nine hundred and...

Strange numbers flashed in memories that were neither new nor old.

That were closed off.

Sheer terror. That he could only name now, as back then, he had no words. Only life, short, like a candle, small one, many times, and death. And sheer terror.

His head now hurt more and suddenly something came, like a command that could not be denied, to forget, to forget the last two hours, and to forget the memories of **INBETWEEN** as Gyro managed to think of them for a split second. Suddenly, painfully, he remembered...

_I'm not Shiro. I'm not Takashi Shirogane. And Gyro is just a name for RPGs...Shiro made that name up years ago, so...That's someone else. I don't know why I have his memories. Shiro's._

_I am a... clone. Yet another, after many tries. That died and died and died, those attempts... I am.... **Subject** **Y0XT39...**_

_And I didn't die..._

_But... what right did I have...to..._

_Not to die at a table or in a pod???_

****

Sheer terror... and...

Guilt....

********

Shiro blinked. Right now, he felt sheer terror, but...

Also grief.

He had no idea why.

He couldn't remember.

_My name is Takashi Shirogane._

The thought should be comforting, because right now he somehow felt, in his whole mind, the knowledge that it's the truth, but...

Somehow, it didn't feel **RIGHT,** even though in his head he was sure it was true, it...

Still left him cold.

But it was true, right?

Right?

Wasn't it?

Maybe Lance would know, or Matt, or Coran, or Keith whenever he'd return from missions sometime, or princess Allura.

He could ask them, couldn't he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: 'Chapter's' (interlude's, really) title from the song "I’m Not Calling You a Liar", Florence and the Machine's.
> 
> Next chapter's title is a quote from Kobranocka's song "Kocham Cię jak Irlandię" (In English, it literally means "I Love You Like Ireland" and it actually means "I love you with a passion /unrequitedly", btw. In those times, it could mean that, at least. I deleted a translation of the song I made here, because really, who wants to read those, I'm not a song translator so I'm not good enough at that.
> 
> But here's the song, with lyrics, for the next chapter, and for the whole ficlet really as far as I'm concerned, if anybody wants to hear. XD 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tgx94ixls54


	6. Does it even mean anything to you that I love you like Ireland??

Shiro suddenly looked at his watch and was shocked to see how much time has passed. Where did so much time disappear?

_Oh, that’s right. I was unconscious. I almost died._

He had his arm back now… but was that a good thing?

Why did he think it wasn’t, besides obviously never quite trusting anything Galra (except Keith and Blades of Marmora?).

Yes, the truth maybe was just that maybe he hated the Galra as much as princess Allura did, though unlike her, he’d never even for a split second let it change the way he saw Keith, or Ulaz, or Kollivan…

The Galra were evil, sure. But Keith wasn’t. And the Blade of Marmora wasn’t. And if he met any Galra right now, he wouldn’t call them evil until they first showed themselves to be evil, because maybe they weren’t.

Good? Evil? What did that even mean?

 _What DOES it mean?_ Shiro mused, uneasily.

Did he ever wonder? He searched through his memories. In his old memories, sure enough, he’d done a lot of wondering. However…

When he was dying in cosmos, the old memories felt like his own. Were his own. What else did he have, if not them? Nothing. A couple moments. No friends. No family. No purpose besides getting back to Voltron.

And why would he want to get back to Voltron if he wasn’t himself?

 _I’m here, therefore I am. I’m me. Shiro,_ he thought, slowly convincing himself of undeniable truth. He was himself, wasn’t he?

Trembling, he reached inside his pocket for a small mirror Keith’s given him. And looked at his own reflection in it, suddenly struck with terror – terror more familiar and **_right_** than any passing gladness and relief and enjoyment he’s lately strangely was allowed by the universe to feel – that he’ll see another face there, a face not his own, and would have to say that he’s not himself, not Shiro.

But what he saw was definitely Shiro. Himself.

Right?

Mirrors didn’t lie, wasn’t that how it was?

So he was himself, still. His memories were his own.

Some strange inbetween memories he could no longer reacall were just some phasmasms, some nightmares, some undefined guilt taking shape he could not comprehend, nothing less, nothing more.

Nothing more.

Oh!

Everyone was on the mission. He should go, too! All the Lions were – except Black – just because he was stupid, **_~~faulty~~_** and fainted for no reason!

What if somebody got hurt because he was lazing around, here?!

The door opened, and Pidge run into Shiro’s room.

„Shiro! I was so worried! Everyone will be here in a moment, just wait, unless.. .unless you need some time alone?! How’s your arm?! I had no time to really check it out, because you--- Shiro…. Your body, it… so to speak… hmmm, how to put it…”

While Pidge was searching for right words, Hunk came into the room as well, and finished her sentence for them all,

„Shiro! Er. It’s like Pidge says, your body, it sort of begins to shut down, the moment your arm isn’t connected to it. Weird, huh? So, we’ll check your arm out – _with_ you, Shiro, not without you.”

Shiro tried not to sigh. What was even going on?

He smiled shakily – he should be able to smile more, for them, he should, he should, something was wrong with him – and he said,

„No one got hurt on the mission, right? I’m glad. Welcome home.”

„Home?”

„Awww.”

„Someone’s getting sentimental.”

Then, after Pidge’s light tease, Lance came into the room as well.

Alright, now his room… more of a bedroom, really… was officially getting crowded… should he mind? Did he mind? Should he? Would he?

Why was he suddenly full of self-doubt, even after now being certain he is himself, is real, so… why?

„All old man are sentimental,” Lance said, smirking a little, but…

He looked… relieved.

All of them looked relieved.

For Shiro.

Shiro felt something inside and at first he wondered if it’s a stomach ache, but then he realised it’s what some would call ‘warm fuzzies’.

Why didn’t he recognise that feeling immedietaly?

He chose not to wonder, but just loose himself in this sudden, weird, nice, certainly, as Pidge just said, sentimental… feeling.

So wonderful.

Soon, Matt came back as well.

When everybody went back to Allura and Coran, only Shiro and Matt were left behind in Shiro’s room.

And, suddenly, Shiro couldn’t hold back anymore, it was just too difficult to hold back, even if Matt might think him weird now…

Or weak…

And he… Shiro…. Cried.

Matt hugged him, without asking about anything. Maybe drawing some wrong conclusions, Shiro wasn’t sure.

And then, he asked something. He didn’t even think it yet, it was too important to risk losing in thought, the question, sudden question, one he could barely comprehend…

„Should I die?” Shiro asked.

Matt stared at him.

„What?”

„N-never mind. My head’s all wonky. And I don’t know… forgive me. Forget it. Forget it. Forget it.”

„Why should I forget it?!” Matt cried out. „Listen, you’re my best friend, and I love you, maybe I’m also in love with you, and you’re saying… you don’t want to live?!”

Shiro stare dat him, dumbfounded.

„I want to live! More than anything! It’s just… I hallucinate that I died, on a operational table, and in medical pods – healing pods or something else – many a time! I… I’m scared, Matt. There’s a life my mind made up, a very short life, and every time I remember it, I forget it. It’s false, isn’t it?”

„You’re alive. So you didn’t die, Shiro. But the Galra might’ve experimented on you, again. And again. During the time you were gone. Why would you think those memories were false? Aren’t they your own memories?” Matt asked, solemnly.

„But… I feel… as if… many people died. And I didn’t. So… that’s not fair, is it, Matt?”

„No, it’s not fair. That I lived and wasn’t even hurt much also isn’t fair, that way, now, i sit, Takashi?”

„I… uhm… I have this stupid wish, Matt. Just a whim, okay? It doesn’t mean antyhing… I don’t think it does… just a nickname.. call me…”

„Call you what? Shiro? But you’ve asked me to call you Takashi,” Matt replied, frowning, leaning closer. His forehead touched Shiro’s. He didn’t have to be so close, the bed wasn’t that small…

Bed… Shiro hated beds, nowadays, and sometimes slept in his bed but hated it, and sometimes, slept on the floor, instead, it was more comfortable, in a lot of ways… but… since when…? He wasn’t sure.

„Yes… but… it’s just a whim, okay? But, when we’re alone, just then, please call me Gyro. But don’t tell anyone! Because… my name is mine, but somehow.. maybe it was some experiments… ‘Shiro’… and ‘Takashi’… and even ‘Shirogane’…. My names… don’t feel right to me anymore, somehow. I know I’ll get over it, I’m certain. So, please?!”

Matt smiled softly. „I’m not sure what the problem is, but sure, _Gyro._ Heh. Like your _Monsters and Man_ character, huh? A new nickname all of your own.

All of his own…

All of his own.

All of his own!

Not-stomach indigestion feeling came back, thousand fold. Yeah, it wasn’t stomachache at all, after all.

It was happiness, unbearable, intense, fully there.

He felt it in his old memories, but as if through the veil.

Here and now, there was no veil.

Without asking permission, Gyro tackled Matt and kissed him with all the unbearable happiness he felt inside.

And then, they’ve done more. Matt didn’t notice that Shiro didn’t ask, and then, Matt didn’t ask, either.

They forgot all the world around them for a moment, and….

The felt happy. That was it, wasn’t it?

The headache was very intense during all those moments, but that didn’t matter at all.

Did it?

And ‘Gyro’ for no reason at all thought he saw – no, imagined – the Witch, looking at them with slight surprise and disgust, and then not looking anymore, indifferent – but that was just his imagination, wasn’t it?

Just Shiro’s imagination.

Anything else would get in the way of showing Matt that he was in love, and right now, that, he wouldn’t allow.

Man, he hoped it was his imagination.

Shiro… ‘Gyro’… hated witches.

*****

And until morning, now, Matt called him Gyro.

Just a new nickname, between new lovers, Shiro – he was still Shiro, for sure – decided. Just that.

Just a whim, the nickname that is, nothing more, right?

Just that.

Only that.

No time to wonder.

(He didn’t want to wonder. He was too happy. And had a feeling deep inside that a too conscious of a thought would treat that happiness like a house of cards…. That couldn’t stand, too long, no matter what, and…)

Anyway, they were relieved right now, both Shiro and Matt, that they both felt the same way, or so it seemed to them. Both.

******

In the morning, ‘Gyro’ told Matt about headaches and hallucinations of seeing the witch, Haggar.

„Maybe you should tell everyone?” Matt suggested.

After further consideration, Shiro’s done just that.

Lance looked almost relieved, and said,

„So that’s why you’ve said you didn’t quite feel like yourself. That was all, right?”

Shiro nodded.

Allura and Lotor looked much more concerned.

„I wouldn’t wish to think the witch has made you into one of her marionettes,” the prince stated, with a frown. „Princess, could you please use what you’ve learned in Oriande and check?”

Allura took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She placed her hands on Shiro’s shoulders.

„May I?” She asked.

Shiro nodded.

He was glad Matt was here, and that his other friends were here, too, but he… he wished Keith was here, too, somehow. When he’d be back from his Blade mission?

Still, he nodded anyway.

He felt something…

Oh.

What he felt was…. _Allura’s quintessence. I recognise it. Yes, this is Allura._

****

The place was empty. So empty. He thought Adam’s temporary dream mindscape was empty, but that just hadn’t been the case, it was full of colours.

Here, there were no colours, and suddenly, with unbearable certainty, Shiro knew they were, him and Allura, deep inside his own mind.

„Oh!” The princess said, looking a little sheepish, she being the only thing colourful and vibrant in this place right now. „This isn’t quite what I intended. I wanted to check whether there are some remnants of Haggar’s powers inside you, something that might awaken. However, I didn’t intend to go into your… mind? I’m sorry. But why i sit that I can barely see you? In your own mind? It’s as if your presence here wasn’t strong. And that’s ridiculous. Please, trust me. Let me see you, Shiro.”

He was silent.

„Shiro!”

Still was.

The princess looked… disappointed? Hurt? She looked at the place where he was, more or less.

„Alright. I suppose it’s unpleasant to have another person deep inside your own mind. I apologise. Ah, and… I can’t see any traces of Haggar, here.”

Shiro nodded.

Slowly, the princess disappeared.

But Shiro didn’t.

He made a step forward. And then another. And then another.

Suddenly, the nothingness disappeared.

He accidentally stepped into an ocean. A very Purple one.

Inside it, he quickly held his breath in order not to drown.

And he fell down, down, down, down the oceanic abyss, to the lowest point.

A crevice?

He thought he was alone, but then he looked around, and he saw hundreds of bodies, likely dead bodies.

Suddenly, there was also a mirror, that new one, one he was given, but when he touched it, it wasn’t his own face he saw, it was Haggar’s and it was the Black Lion’s, and then the mirror shattered.

He run up to the closest body. He needed to see its face. He needed to see its face. He needed to—

***

He blinked. Opened his eyes. He was breathing heavily. He…

„-and there’s no trace of Haggar’s magic inside him, Lotor,” Allura said. Honestly. He could hear that.

Shiro was almost overwhelmed with relief at that.

He trusted Allura when it came to such things.

Always.

„That’s fine, then,” Lotor said, and turned away.

Suddenly, Shiro felt something. Something strange. As if someone was… watching.

And he had a sensation. A sickening one, one that only ever made sense if he was thinking of the witch, Haggar, but he wasn’t thinking of her right now.

 _What gives?_ He wondered. _She’s not here right now. And she’s NOT watching me. Or them. Or is she? I…_

_I just need to stop. With that whole… paranoia, that’s the word, maybe. That I’m not me. That the witch is everywhere. That Black did as asked, but not by me, and fortunately not by witch, but by the Stranger._

_And the Stranger is not Me. I know that._

_I know that, so…_

„Shiro?” Matt asked, his voice and his eyes laden with concern.

Shiro blinked.

And, without the word, ran out of the room.

He couldn’t… he couldn’t let HER see Matt like that!

No.

***

A few seconds later, Shiro calmed down.

Let who see? Nobody was watching apart from their friends and family. The witch didn’t right now suddenly began to see everything, or earlier, or later… such thoughts were just ridiculous.

He needed… he needed…

Black!

 _Black would help me calm down_ , he thought.

Or perhaps… Sven would?

Shiro inhaled. Exhaled. And, for the moment, tried to forget he’s a living being with a living body…

How else to leave it, for a moment, after all?

_Who’s Sven, anyway? I don’t remember a Sven._

But, as he was leaving his body, for a moment, Shiro – no, Gyro – remembered –

_Right… Sven is my brother, just like Keith, and just like The Stranger…_

_No, not really, it’s more like… the Stranger isn’t my brother… and neither is Sven… but they are… not me… and that’s why I trust them…_

_~~No. Because I hate them,~~_ Gyro thought, and-

*****

„So you’re saying you were in another world?”

Shiro heard Keith’s voice and opened his eyes to see Keith – no, he remembered. To see… Yorak.

And Shiro heard a voice, in his mind – no. Close to his mind. And no wonder. He wasn’t in his own body right now – but in Sven’s.

„Is Sven unconscious?” Shiro asked, accidentally outloud.

„What??” Yorak asked, then stared at him, then glared, and asked, „W-wait a moment. You’re not my brother?!”

„Do I sound like your brother?! I don’t even have the absurd accent!”

„Sven’s from Norway, leave his accent alone, you prick!”

„Well, my name’s Shiro, even if my name’s not Shiro, I just don’t know anymore, so call me Shiro when I’m here!”

„Fine, Shiro.”

„Good!”

„One other thing I’m gonna call you—„

„What, Keith?”

„Stupid alternate universe ghost who should leave my brother and our names alone. Get. Out!”

„Fine, I will, just call me Gyro, because my damned name isn’t Shiro, you… you…. Yorak!”

„Yeah?! Get out, _Gyro!”_

K—Yorak raised a fist, and-

_Why is Yorak’s skin so Purple…?_

_ Geez, Gyro, don’t you know anything? He’s half-Galra, obvious— _

_My brother’s a half-Galra too and his skin is human-_

_ Oh,wooooooooaa. You mean, your Keith didn’t have to hide and avoid human contact the moment he hit puberty? That’s… so good… _

_Yeah, I mean- wait, what, but--- ouch!_

_ Ouch… _

_********_

Shiro blinked and opened his eyes.

His head felt so much clearer right now… but, for the love of life, he couldn’t remember why. Not quite.

But he had a feeling it was, somehow or another, thanks to Keith, or at least a keith, so he grinned.

Of course it was.

Of course it was.

The fact that he could not remember the reason was slightly unnerving, but at least his head wasn’t such a pain right now.

For now…

He looked down at his arm, his galran technology arm, and saw cracks, many cracks there, as if somebody’s just now angrily done quite a number on it.

His first thought was Keith, but that made no sense, as Keith wasn’t here right now.

Gyro, you so stupid or just tryna be

Shiro thought he heard a voice in his mind, not the stranger’s voice, not exactly, but….

_Who are you, again?_

But he already left. Went back home.

Which was good. He’d have been missed.

_Unlike me._

_What??_

_That’s not like me… to think like that. Keith would miss me… and Lance… and Matt…_

_If I am… who I think I am…_

Otherwise, they would not. Not even a little.

Scary thought, but… Shiro was Shiro was Shiro. If so, if that was true, there was no implicite horror, just some ridiculous thoughts with no basis in reality.

But he should get those cracks on his arm fixed, probably. Soon.

And now his head was beginning to feel wobbly again. The punch didn’t help for long.

Punch? Who punched him? And where? When? How?

He wished he could remember.

*******

And time passed, as time always does, letting Gyr—

Slowly letting Shiro believe he was Shiro, really, until he fully believed that.

Living a life he could be living. Alife. Blessed with family, friends, and a handsome boyfriend, even, because Matt finally confessed, too.

And with no more visits to other realities for now.

He had a feeling, sometimes, when asleep, that if he doesn’t visit again, Sven might die – as if Shiro was some kind of a magical respirator, and that neither Sven nor Yorak nor Adomas knew about that, not even Slav knew, and ----

But

Not remembering

Made it not Gy—Shiro’s problem.

Not his problem at all, as he couldn’t remember.

_But what would Yorak say?_

Still, usally, Shiro didn’t remember, all those other realities and paranoias or whatnot, and could live his own life…

It was his own, wasn’t it?

Wasn’t it?

***

„I was wondering, lately… who really is the Black Paladin. Me or Keith.”

„C’mon, Gyro, this isn’t like you.”

„But it is. And that’s what’s strange.”

Matt was a bit distracted, whether naked or not, and obviously naked right now, in Shiro’s bed, so… but this still needed to be said.

„Shiro…” Matt said, pulling him closer, „I’d say you’re still depressed from your arm getting cracked, but me and Pidge already got it fixed, so I know that’s not the reason. What’s up, Shiro?”

Shiro winced and closed his eyes.

„Er, I mean..”

Matt sounded strangely sheepish. Shiro could tell, even without opening his eyes.

He didn’t want to open them.

He’d rather die, rigth now.

He had no idea why.

„Shiro?”

Another wince.

„Shiro! What’s wrong?!”

Matt was… so concerned, for sure, but even so, Shiro still didn’t want to open his eyes.

Besides, something, something deep inside Shiro, still had this weird impression that Matt Holt wasn’t even calling for him, anyway. And until he would, call for him, _him_ him, for sure him (though… why? What? How? Was he just going mad?), he wouldn’t open his eyes, no matter what.

No matter what.

No matter what.

„Shi—Taka--- Gyro, _please. Talk to me, Gyro_.”

G—Shiro opened his eyes, and smiled softly, simply overwhelmed by some strange gratitude he coldn’t understand, no, that he couldn’t comprehend at all, but that purely, in some sheer if absurd way, his own, in a way that could not be questioned or doubted.

Like Matt’s love.

That was for Gyro, right now, not for Shi-

_But I am Shiro, or I don’t exist. My old memories are mine. If they’re not… what would I be??_

„Gyro?”

Shiro shuddered.

„Matt…. Are you a telepath?”

Matt stared at him.

„No, don’t be absurd, Shiro.”

Right. Matt wasn’t. Matt answered a question Shiro had since the second escape… but he answered it accidentally.

And suddenly, Shiro was no longer sure he was Shiro.

What Matt said made just… too much sense, even if Matt had no idea.

„Matt. I asked you to call me Gyro. I even wanted to ask Lance, Keith, and Allura, but I had no courage. Why do you think that is?”

„No idea. You like the new nickname?”

And Matt kissed him on the nose, playfully.

„Y-yes?”

„It’s alright, Gyro. I… I understand.”

„You do?”

„Something happened to you on the Galra ship. Something awful, that you again don’t quite remember. That’s why you weren’t sure you’re yourself, anymore, Shiro… er, Gyro… isn’t it? That’s why, and so… I won’t ask.”

„You won’t ask? Isn’t that… dangerous?”

„No more than you are.”

„How dangerous am I, Matt?”

Matt sighed and pulled away from Shiro, and sat up.

„Listen,” Matt said, softly, „Shiro…are you worried that the Galra somehow installed something in your arm that would make you destroy everything you love?”

Gyro nodded. That was exactly his fear, he’s suddenly realised. Why could he never quite have formed that thought, somehow, before? As if somebody or something was interfering with his own thoughts, hopes, and fears.

That’s why he feared he wasn’t Shiro, wasn’t himself, anymore. That was the reason, wasn’t it?

„But,” Matt continued, with a smile, „see, you’re a human being, Sh—Gyro, you’re a wonderful human being, Takashi Shirogane, and your brain can’t be hacked, even if your arm can. Do you understand? Do you think I’d be here in your bed if you could just kill me? You can’t kill me. Because you don’t want to. Just like you can’t kill Pidge, Keith, Lance, Hunk, the beautiful Princess, the new prince, er, emperor, or anyone else you don’t want dead. You see? That’s why we’re safe with you, no matter what your arm is like. Because, Gyro, you are Takashi Shirogane, the same one who attacked me in the arena to protect me. The same one I fell head over the heels for on that very day. I just didn’t quite realise it until today, Takashi…. Shiro… Gyro. You see?”

Yes. Yes, he saw.

Though he couldn’t quite shake off the feeling that somewhere, somebody else saw, too.

In detail, in high definition.

And that thought made him feel somewhat violated and scared – not for himself, but for Matt, Matt didn’t deserve to be spied on like that, by somebody somewhere ~~the witch~~ not caring at all about his feelings, his experiences, his privacy…

***

And again days went by, and Shiro began to believe he was himself.

Because Matt wasn’t lying.

And neither was Lance, who was even better friend than in old memories.

And if they weren’t lying…

Ergo.. they were saying the truth.

Shiro was Shiro.

***

„Hey?”

„Yeah, my Champion?”

„Stop it, you’re being ridiculous… also… from today on… don’t call me Gyro, that’s not me… I guess… just a silly fantasy nickname… so, here… this isn’t fantasy, what we have, so… call me _Shiro.”_

„Okay, G-- Shiro…”

***

And not much time passed after that, after all, because—

There is never enough time.

***

_Not enough time especially for someone who doesn’t exist, and doesn’t know it._

_For an evil thing, just as a Familiar Stranger once suggested… inside the Black…_

_***_

Back then…

The Lion wasn't responding. The Black Lion wasn't responding at all. It didn't trust him anymore. Even though, out there, almost everyone he grew to love could die in battle!!

What was wrong? Why didn't Black trust him?!

When Shiro closed his eyes, he though, somewhere far away, he sensed something malicious. Like the witch, Haggar. Somewhere very far away. It couldn't be real. It had to be a hallucination.

But... was Black feeling it, too?

Shiro thought he almost heard Black say _, should I hold him? That cub is not who that cub is, and it is chasing and hunting own tail and is blind. And when it senses claws it was given, it tries to hide them to not hurt pride's cubs, but it does it without knowing, it no see claws, it not know. A blind cub who think part of pride, but not know truth. But dangerous inside. Another hunt._

But that was surely another hallucination. He hasn't really heard it.

And then he forgot it.

But has he seen a lioness?

And then a witch watching a lioness from afar? And a Stranger?

And then he forgot the details of back then... until now.

Almost as if behind his eyes... no, surely some witch couldn't be somewhere sensing what Shiro was sensing, could she? That was impossible.

Back then...

They could die. Out there. It was almost a relief that Keith wasn't out there in that battle, but everyone else, all other members of this team, this family of his, they could die, just because he had some strange headaches and hallucinations, or because Black didn't trust him now, and, could it be connected??

_Surely not, but..._

_Out there, Katie, Lance, Matt, Hunk, and princess Allura, they could all die, just because.. why wasn't the Lion listening?!_

He had thought for a moment he imagined something malicious sense the Lion through him. He shook his head. He must've been hallucinating.

Back then....

And now.

******

Back then, everything felf clear, for a moment.

But that was then, and now was now, and Shiro was Shiro, truly… right?

***

And not enough time had passed.

**

He wanted to live.

To exist.

To be himself, but what was ‘himself’?

He was Shiro, he’s always been… hasn’t he?

****

„The hangar’s been breached!”

„It’s Lotor’s troops! They—„

His head hurt. Not that it hasn’t before, hasn’t most of the time, but still… it was as if it’s been impaled.

„Shiro?” Keith asked, and Gy—Shiro appreciated the concern in his little brother’s voice, really, he did, but there was no fucking time.

Because he….

 _Am not Shiro,_ Shiro realised, with sudden clarity, even as his head was hurting.

_Am not… anybody. I don’t have a name. Or face. Or life. Or brothers, or friends, or a lover. It’s all borrowed. From the Stranger. And through Her._

_Because…_

_And I… can feel her… this isn’t paranoia… this isn’t ignorance… this isn’t a hallucination… she was watching._

_Watching here and now._

_Watching even when I was playing an Innocent board game, though she got bored quickly._

_Watching me having sex with Matt, and I was a virgin (well that’s alright) and didn’t even know that. But I knew, even if I still lied to myself, that unlike Takashi 'Shiro' Shirogane I had been a virgin until recently with Matt, I noticed a difference, and so, I had to lie to myself that I'm Shiro, but I still deep inside discovered I'm not...am I...wait, I'm forgetting my thoughts...my head hurts, and..._

_Watching me talk to Keith as if we were brothers, though we never were._

_Watching me talk to Lance as if we were friends, though we never were._

_And I hate her, just as I hate the stranger, and I never asked to be a thief!_

Gyro screamed in pain that he just couldn’t bear anymore.

Cried out, because somebody, somebody could help, he knew it, after all, wasn’t he still surrounded by the loved ones (except Lotor?) ?

Coran asked what was happening to him, and Gyro wanted to quip, with sarcasm, _Oh, nothing’s happening to him, er, me, I’m just feeling peachy, now get back to the Lotor problem,_ but he was in too much pain and also some sudden torment and self-discovery (how, when he apparently didn’t even have a self, as it turned out?) to quip outloud, so the thought only stayed unsaid, unvoiced…

Just like many others that were strictly HIS OWN, Gyro realised with a shudder.

And then there was only pain… it seemed to last for ages and seconds…

Even if time was fuzzy, right now, and so was the space.

He tried to run away to Sven, but he felt the witch grab him by the throat and not let him run to that safe and warm place in neighbouring reality.

If he ran there, he’d be able to die safely!

Damn her, for not even allowing him that much…

But he wanted to live…

So why was he now trying to die?? It barely made sense to him.

He wanted to..

He wanted to hear his own name. Maybe that’d wake him up. From the nightmare, for it had to be a nightmare.

Not the name he had, or never had, but the one he’s chosen, all by himself.

Gyro.

If somebody could call him that… he’d know they loved him for him, not for Shiro, if he wasn’t Shiro..

Lance and Katie were suddenly looking so concerned… were they concerned for him…?

 _That’s sok ind of you two… thanks_ … Gyro thought, but couldn’t say it, couldn’t even say anything, no longer felt quite connected to own body, though he was still there, in it, but… no, he was still himself, but, at the same time….

Haggar was somewhere, too, and that was dangerous, wasn’t it? He should warn them. He must warn them!

His family.

_My family…_

No, not friends. Not just friends. Friends… they were Shiro’s friends, but fuck that, they were his family, Gyro’s family, and so—

_My family… you won’t… touch them!_

_Over my dead body, if you—_

And suddenly, he remembered that he died over nine hundred times and he shuddered.

That was horrible, each time, and no, he didn’t want to feel that again.

He… wasn’t Shiro. Shiro died once, Gyro now remembered it clearly.

Shiro died only once. And had no idea how lucky, how blessed he was with that.

Only felt it one measly time, but Gyro…

Gyro now remembered dying, suddenly, hundreds of times and that was no lie, but…

But he wasn’t alone anymore, he had family, and friends, and somebody he’d almost propose to, if he wasn’t scared, and so, Haggar couldn’t make him harm even a hair on any of their heads, she couldn’t, he would die another couple hundred times to stop that, if necessary, Shi—Gyro decided, with clarity despite the aches.

Yes. He know knew, without a doubt, suddenly, who he was, what he was, and that he was worth nothing, but despite that, in his heart of hearts, he knew, he’d never… he’d never…

And so, he protested, and—

He was---

He WAS—

Never letting Haggar—

This was his, not hers, not Shiro’s, this body was his own, his own, his ow—

Deep inside, there was no black, there was only nothing, and there, he saw the Witch, she was Purple, and she was everything, towering, overwhelming, with the sickly feeling, because there was no where to run, and it wasn’t fair, that in his own mind, where he should be safest, Gyro had nowhere to run—

The Evil Witch raised her hands, even if there was no need.

With that hateful voice Gyro suddenly remembered so well, she uttered,

**_~~ You are mine now. Give in. ~~ _ **

He’d never give in!

He’d rather die again, because… because he wanted to live, _he_ wanted to live, not as Stranger’s evil doppelganger, not as Sven’s evil doppelganger, not as somebody who was pretending to be Keith’s brother (but he wasn’t pretending…), not as a friend who wasn’t free enough for honest friendship, but as himself, Gyro, even if that was a stupid, stupid, stupid name and he should’ve made a better one up when he still had the time!

But still… he wouldn’t give in…!! Never, never, ever, never!!

For all the ones he still loved, even if they never loved him, because they couldn’t, because they never knew they first met him recently, instead of remeeting somebody they all loved too much, they couldn’t know, because Gyro didn’t know, either, and so, he decided to forgive their ignorance, without forgiving his own, and fight for them, still.

So, for an agonising split second, longest in all the universes and all the realities, as far as Gyro was concerned, he fought off Haggar.

That was exhausting, and then, he…

Fainted.. or so he thought…

What happens when one loses cosciousness inside his own mi—

**

„Allura and I will secure Lotor. Hunk, help Shiro.”

Dimly heard voices, from far away….

And still nobody cared to try and help him, he was realising, as his consciousness faded for a moment.

Exhausted, after fighting so long, and so hard….

Won’t anybody call my name, he wondered, fading in and out, but…

_What’s the use, anyway? It’s hopeless… Keith…. Matt…. Katie… Lance… Hunk… Black… Red… Allura… somebody… please…_

Was everything hopeless, from the beginning of new memories – only memories – and he just never knew?

And so, in his own mind, he let himself faint, because it was no use….

But he immediately woke up, because he had to fight, he had to fight, he had to fight!

For people he loved who didn’t know he existed.

For them, he had to fight, and would did if necessary, it would be fine, because surely they won’t even notice his death, just like they didn’t notice Shiro’s, and so, that’s great, it would be okay, just.. he could just die and they won’t notice, but… so… it was enough, surely, to just die and not let Haggar murder them all, and so, Gyro was still fighting, even if no one knew, and so---

***

„Shiro?”

Hunk’s voice, from afar.

And then, a yelp of pain. Hunk’s? Coran’s?

***

_Where am I?_

_Please, call my name… just call me Gyro, and I’ll try and wake up… whatever it takes…_

_Whatever it takes…._

_For you, who knows I exist… so call me ‘you’… not ‘him’… and then maybe I could fight, one more time, even if—even if it’s hopeless…_

_Because I love all of you…. Even if my life hasn’t been long yet… far shorter than remembered… but I know what love is, even so, and I know what it means to fight, and so, if I hear a familiar voice call me, I’ll make my bet, I’ll try again…_

_Whatever it takes…_

_So…_

_Call me…_

_Call me…_

_And then I could do whatever it takes, I’m sure, so, call me…_

_And I’m sorry…. I’m sorry…. I’m so sorry… even so… call me…_

But nobody could call him, now, could they, he thought with a sickening dread, even if he still didn’t know where he was…

He was…

**

„Uhm…Is it broken?”

Who said that? So far away.

Through a thick, purple, sickly fog that stunk of Haggar and was overpowering.

 _No, I’m not broken,_ Gyro thought, but if he couldn’t say he wasn’t broken, then… then in truth… was he, really?

Broken?

_I’m sorry, he thought. I’msorryi’msorryi’msorryimsorryi’msorryi’msorryi’msorryi’msorryi’msorry-_

„Ezor!” he heard someone shout, from a distance of the mind, barely connected.

Not his name, either.

Nobody would call his name. Ever.

Because he didn’t deserve it.

No…

Because he had no name. Never was given one.

Saying he had a name was just a sick joke.

Distantly, he saw a colourful half-Galra girl run, back to her friends.

Because unlike himself, she didn’t just kill friends.

„Coming!”

_Kill? When did I kill them? I don’t remember…_

But if he killed them, then there was no reason to fight, not anymore.

So, that very second, he gave in.

It was easier that way, and he was still young.

**

 _ ~~"The Red Paladin’s connection to you runs deep, deeper than the others,"~~_ Gyro distantly heard Haggar say.

A lie, if he’s ever heard one.

The Red Paladin…

Didn’t even know his name.

But Haggar wasn’t talking about him and Keith.

She was talking about Keith and Shiro.

She was the same as everyone.

That was funny, really. Really funny, at a time like that.

„I understand,” he heard somebody say. He thought…

_I know that voice. I wonder why?_

***

„Shi-„

**

„I know you’re in the-„

**

„Let me help you”

_Liar._

_Why should I fight?_

_Give me one good reason…_

_I have no stregth left, really, so, Keith, give me one good reason…_

_***_

„I know you’re hurting.”

_And yet you haven’t said one single word to ME._

_You never will. But I don’t want to kill you._

_Why?_

_It makes no sense, Keith._

„We just need to keep it together a little longer.”

_How, Keith? When nothing was ever kept together inside me? I’m not strong like Shiro. I never was._

_I never will be,_ Gyro thought, with sudden utter certainty.

_It’s hopeless._

_***_

_ „Prince Lotor,” _

_ He heard, from even further away, _

_ „my son-„ _

_ From even further away… _

_ And he shut off his hearing, because right now, he was too exhausted and tried to become thoroughly disinterested in everything _

_ Witches most of all. _

_ In the silence _

_ far away _

_ furthest there could be _

_ Gyro heard _

_ with his own ears _

_ ‘’ _

_ „hello” _

_ „ _

_ k”eith” _

__

_ ‘ _

_ gyro heard somebody say _

_ and he _

_ didn’t _

_ want to _

_ recognise _

_ that _

_ voice. _

_Run,Keith, it’s not safe-_

He wanted to say.

There’s no way to do anything ‘over one’s dead body’ if the link between one’s own body suddenly became very tenuous at best, Gyro suddenly realised.

And still, nobody would call his own name, as there was only one name for Keith, concerned only for his brother’s safety, and…

Wasn’t Shiro dead somewhere in void anywhere? Well then, the joke’s on Keith….

Gyro was still alive…

Right?

But unnecessary, and unwanted…

So…

What was there to fight for…?

***

„Huh?”

***

„We just have to get back to the Castle.”

_Yes, please. There’s nothing I want more._

„We are not going anywhere!”

Gyro thought he heard somebody say.

With his own voice.

So far away…

„That’s the Keith I remember,”

He thought he heard Somebody – or Something – say.

Yet Keith was still fighting.

For the brother he loved, not knowing that that brother died months ago.

That was, frankly speaking, maybe sad… but maybe inspiring.

And so, even if Keith will never fight for Gyro, Gyro decided to try and fight for him.

But it was impossible.

He had no strength left.

And so, he couldn’t fight for Keith.

Even to try and make up for the worst theft.

 _„I’m sorry,”_ he thought, a hollow apology nobody would hear.

No one save the evil thing and the evil witch.

Yes, nobody except those.

Forever, as far as Gyro knew.

„Shiro, I know you’re in there.”

How much Gyro hated and loved this mistaken boy right now, he wouldn’t be able to say, even if his mouth still obeyed him, he knew that much, right now, even

If

He

Didn’t

Know

Anything.

There was something beautiful in Keith, something

Shining

And Gyro realised

That for the first time

He was

Falling in love

On the first sight.

And Gyro would’ve cried if Gyro’s own body was still his own.

But it was all hopeless.

And love couldn’t have any power

When the other

Didn’t

Even

Know

Your

Own

Stupid

 _name_.

**************

Shiro, wherever he was, no matter how dead he was

was one fucking luckiest person

in this universe.

And now Gyro was envious.

Family worth fighting for...

nobility worth fighting for...

he'd never have it.

****************

"You made a promise once."

**********

_Would that I did. A promise to a shining light so brilliant and true, I'd keep._

_He kept it, Shiro that is, until he died._

_Is the promise also mine? As I've unknowingly stolen it, along with all else save the body I have, only thing that is mine, and even now, not anymore, as it's not listening to me?  
_

_If so, I'm too weak_

_to keep it_

_just kill me now, be done with it, I'm sorrry..._

Gyro thought.

_I'm sorry._

> "You told me you'd never give up on me."
> 
> _No, Keith. You're mistaken. This isn't the right mirror, and you have no idea, do you?_
> 
> _I_
> 
> _thought_
> 
> _I had said_
> 
> _that_
> 
> _in my memories of old_
> 
> _but those are stolen_
> 
> _I never_
> 
> _said_
> 
> _that._
> 
> _Wish I had._
> 
> _Wish I had._
> 
> _But now I never will,_
> 
> Gyro thought, almost giving up now, still in shock.
> 
> He thought he heard Keith say that he'll never give up on him.
> 
> Sure, Keith would never give up on Shiro.
> 
> Would that he could tell him he wasn't him, and just watch the noble, fearless Paladin walk away.
> 
> if he could...
> 
> that would be fine...
> 
> someday.
> 
> after all the pain
> 
> that anyway he
> 
> Gyro
> 
> would probably thankfully die from anyway, and so
> 
> (he wanted to live)
> 
> but not like that...
> 
> Not like that.
> 
> Never.
> 
> That's why
> 
> it was
> 
> all
> 
> hopeless.
> 
> And suddenly, with sudden clarity, Gyro suddenly realised.
> 
> He had a dream, now, one, enormous one, one his own.
> 
> A dream that somebody sometime, before Gyro dies, will utter Gyro's name, Gyro's own stupid name.
> 
> In such a way as if
> 
> they
> 
> gave
> 
> a damn.
> 
> It was a ridiculous, childish, no, worse than infant's, dream that could
> 
> never
> 
> ever
> 
> be
> 
> fullfilled, so, fuck that.
> 
> honestly
> 
> forever.

"Shiro..."

Exatly.

And so, he had no strenth left inside him to try and fight for the possibility of not fighting Keith, and yet

and yet

with all the strength he didn't have left

with nothing he had because he apparently never had a thing, it was all stolen

Gyro

tried to break free, to fight, to fight for the possibility of not hurting Keith,

anyway, despite

this being all hopeless.

He was a fool.

He blamed Shiro. And Keith.

They were the ones who made him like that now, weren't they, now?

And so...

forever...

 _I'm sorry,_ he thought, louder and louder, hoping he'd hear, and save Keith. Just Keith, as there was no....

there was no saving himself, he knew. Not that anybody ever would want to save Gyro, if they knew he wasn't Shiro...

himself included, now that he

knew, and so...

"I'm

so

sorry.

Forgive

me..."

Or don't. What difference did it make, for the thief he apparently was? Why was he hurting?

"Shiro-"

Yet again.

No, actually, Gyro admired this, right now. It was wonderful, the strength and love Keith had.

Sad to think it was all just a prelude to mourning, as real Shiro was, Gyro remembered now, dead.

Was that, too, Gyro's fault? Or Haggar's fault? And was there any real difference?

"Forgive me..." Gyro thought, into ether. While still fighting not to fight, without any success.

Broken, yes, truly, apparently.

She was right.

Only one who looked at him and saw the truth, evaluated him justly, apparently.

Gyro was surely just

a

broken

thing.

If so, he no longer had to fight.

What a

relief.

*****************

Meanwhile, wherever he opened his eyes, from afar, he could see. The boy... the man... the Red Black Paladin... Keith was still fighting, so admirably and stupidly, hopelessly, for the dead Stranger.

What a farce.

Why, then, Gyro couldn't help but admire it, with his whole being?

 _If there be any gods, though there aren't, or they're not gods, just the same like I'm not a human being and am not a person.... bury me somewhere where I can hear Keith cry out for Shiro,_ Gyro thought, honestly _, because that's how I'll know that the reality was real, even if I never was._

_This is real, all of it._

_Except for me._

_If I could just tell Keith, Keith would be able to leave, to leave me behind._

_***_

_Would he?_

That would be painful, Gyro realised, painful for Gyro, that is, but it would probably surely happen.

What was he to Keith?

Just a familiar thief, in only Keith knew. Not that he ever wanted that.

But the truth was supposed to hurt, apparently.

Though, what did Gyro know?

As if there was even one true moment in his whole life?! He had no idea, but... it was all just a fantasy.

Not his own, he wasn't even the player, but Haggar's pawn, wasn't he?

******

And he had one dream, now, too large and too ridiculous, ignoring the fight around him, the fight Keith was fighting against Gyro's body and Haggar's instructions, and that was hopeless anyway, because Keith, ridiculous wondeful Keith, had no idea that all he wanted was already long dead. Gyro still only had one dream, ever since now suddenly finding out that he never saw himself truly and so also nobody else has, till now, and won't ever, as it would surely turn out: that somebody would open their mouth and cry out his own chosen name.

ever.

His own.

But that couldn't happen, as the only name he had was 'Shiro'. A stole one.

That he didn't want.

At all.

*****

But that all didn't matter right now. Right now, he was worried for Keith's safety. This fight was getting dangerous, and he wanted to save Keith, just him, but he couldn't. He couldn't do anything.

And how could he even know if the wish was even his own? How could he know that? Nothing ever belonged to him, apparently. Not a single thing, in any of the realities.

Ever.

Except death. So maybe Keith should murder him. But he didn't seem in a hurry to do that.

Because he was still mistaken.

> "Please-"

Again, not to him, not that he could do anything about it, anyway. Even so... he was still trying. Always would try, hearing the desperation in Keith's voice.

Always.

No matter what kind of fake and evil thing he was apparently was made to be.

Whatever it took.

> _Whatever it takes? Are these even my own words - or just Shiro's?_
> 
> _I hate him. I hate not knowing._
> 
> _notknowingmyownselfbecauseineverwas_
> 
> _name.............................please..................._
> 
> _Could you? Would you?_

_Just for me?_

_As if anybody ever would. For a nothing, no, for an evil thing, fated to die, as each time._

And wasn't that justice, anyway, as apparently, unknowingly, he had been just a thief? A wolf in a sheep's clothing?

Would that he wasn't,

but if he wasn't himself, he would hate himself.

So, perhaps he wasn't himself. Because right now, he loathed himself dearly. With everything he never had. And Shiro, and Keith, and Haggar, and Matt, and Lance, oh, he hated them, too, only

he didn't.

Only becasue he was too tired.

***********************************************

Suddenly, Gyro felt a sudden jolt of overpowering pain, stronger than Haggar, as Keith has cut his damned arm off.

And suddenly, his own body was his own again.

And he could see where they were.

This place.... he had died here, a few times, Gyro that is, he remembered now.

It was an evil place.

And then, there was Keith.

A beloved Light in this whole darkness, for sure, even though to Keith, Gyro was never a concern at all. Was less than a speck of dirt.

He said it, after all, didn't he?

Throught the whole fight, brother- no, not his brother, Shiro's, never his, and never the friend, either, of Gyro's - kept uttering Shiro's name. Shiro this, Shiro that...

What kind of perfect Shiro did Keith remember?

It had to be a truly amazing person, even better person than the one Gyro remembered in Shiro's memories that now felt more alien to him. 'Old memories'. The name he once applied was a farce. The memories weren't old - they were just dead person's memories. Takashi Shirogane's memories.

"Keith...." Gyro said, still in shock, wanting to let Keith know, despite everything, that he was here, even if Keith wouldn't care, or would be angry to hear that, after expecting, hoping, surely, to hear from Shiro.

He fell, now, too careless and tired to see what was going on, and it didn't matter anyway, as Keith was neither Pidge, nor Matt, nor Hunk, nor Allura, nor Coran, and Gyro was going to die without the accursed prosthesis - very soon...!

Keith's hand caught his. The flesh one.

It felt nice, and so, Gyro let himself pretend that Keith caught **him** on purpose, not by mistake.

Let himself pretend that, just lying to himself, for the first time on own violition.

It felt good...

Wait, why was Keith falling, too?!

_Somebody, anybody, please, save him!_

_Just him...!_

_Please!_ Gyro thought, desperately, trying to reach out with his spirit, his quintessence, to anyone, to anything.

_Whatever it took._

_Gyro didn't want to die_

_but more than that_

_much more than that_

_he didn't want this amazing RedBlack Paladin to die._

_No._

_Never._

_************************************_

_The Stranger heard me, I think, and Black...._

_*************_

And yet, Gyro couldn't be certain.

Especially since he couldn't see a thing, now, and could barely hear anything.

Was this space?

Or was this the river Λήθη, again?

_....again...?_

_Keith, don't die. Please. You don't know me, and you never will, but please, don't die. Don't die. Don't die._

_Because I love you._

_Even if that's a lie._

_Can I even love... anything?_

_If I'm not a person?_

********

They were falling, still, and for once, when still conscious, Gyro wished that either they could be falling forever, or that someone, anyone, Keith, or Matt, or Katie, or Lance, no, anyone, would call out the name- his own name.

_Gyro. My name is Gyro, even if it's not, it COULD be, if someone would give it to me. Not Shiro. Not Haggar. Not anyone, just myself, and- please..._

But that was, he knew deep down, certainly a pipe dream.

**************

That didn't matter right now. Keith was falling, and Gyro had to save Keith, and why wasn't Black saving Keith, and why wasn't the Stranger--

**********

Gyro heard Black roar.

Oh, good.

Surely, Keith was safe, now, and Gyro could just...

...leave...

He wanted to leave before seeing

Keith's hatred. And Matt's. And Lance's. And Pidge's.

He wanted to leave before they knew he was a thief, even if he didn't choose to be.

He saw many of himself, in tanks, falling down, and...

surely it was already

much

too late.

****************************************

He felt Black catch him. He asked,

_Did you catch Keith?_

And hearing that he did catch Keith - though the Lioness wasn't talking to him right now, and the Stranger - Shiro - told him that instead - make him able to

just give in to the exhaustion.

As for his other wish, surely it was hopeless from the very beginning?

He thought so.

 _"I'm sorry for stealing your life,"_ he thought, to Str--Shiro, not knowing whether Shiro heard him

or

not, _and I'm sorry I didn't even take good care of it, they're all dead or dying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry--_

before drifting...

Somehow, it was all familiar, and yet

he didn't want this. At all. Who would???

************************************************

 _Did you attack Keith?_ the familiar Stranger called Takashi Shirogane _,_ real Shiro, asked, quickly, nervously. _Answer me. Please. I'm just trying to understand. I know it was Haggar's doing, partly. Or all of it. Did you attack my brother?_

_Yes. I attacked him. I tried to murder him. I probably murdered everyone else you love, too, Shiro, and I'd kill you if you weren't already dead. I'm evil, you see. Right?_

_You... that is... what's your name?_

_I don't have one. I'm not a person. Don't you know? I tried to murder Keith._

_Did you really try?_

_I..._

_Or was it Haggar?_

_I tried. I tried. I tried. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry--_

_****************** _

He was now too unsconscious to answer the Stranger. Good. It wasn't a pleasant topic for a three seconds from death conversation, anyway. And if the great and awesome Takashi Shirogane, everybody's idol, was so great, surely he could gather all the pieces without Gyro's help.

*************************

_Name...._

_I thought I knew people that'd call my name, when I'm dying._

_But that, too... could never happen, I'm sure._

_****************_

_An absurd dream of a clone with no identity. Laughable, really. I'm sure my friends, family, no, Shiro's friends, they'll all laugh at me after they get over Shiro's misadventures._

_I wonder why that thought_

_hurts. I'm glad it does. That says I'm real, in some way, maybe, even if I'm not a person. But I still am._

_And I still don't want to die, even when I'm dying._

_Oh. I hope I didn't hurt Keith... much. Please. Let just that be true, if nothing else. And that Matt and Lance and Pidge and others don't blame themselves for a thing, they're not guilty, I am. I am._

_******************_

And finally, blessedly unconscious at last, even in his own mind, Gyro stopped thinking. Forever, he hoped, or at least for the moment.

***************

_The Paladins and Matt and Coran are alive, Shiro said, suddenly._

_All...?_

_Yes._

Gyro didn't need to hear more. Everything was alright, now, he realised. Everything was all right. And he didn't hate Shiro anymore. Shiro didn't have to tell him. Shiro could've let him die a murderer, in his own mind.

But Shiro, too, apparently decided to throw him a morsel, even though Gyro didn't deserve it. Maybe Keith was right, and so was Lance, and Matt, and Pidge, and others, to think highly of Shiro, because, Gyro realised...

_If I never had Shiro's life stolen from Shiro - not literally, but everything in the life, for now- I wouldn't hate him, either-_

> _But it's too late._
> 
> _And even Shiro won't say my name. Not even him, even though he knows it. Not even him._
> 
> _Which means I don't deserve it, either. It's also just - stolen._

_As long as everybody else's alive, it doesn't matter, really._

_***********_

_And then there was - not nothing, not again, but a Black Void. Familiar._

_Lion._

_Yes. This is... Black._

If he could die in Black, that was, perhaps, still much more than Gyro ever deserved, he told himself. Distantly, he felt Keith come there, to Black. Moreso to Shiro.

_And he couldn't bear to look at Keuth, whom Gyro, Gyro now realised, had loved at first sight, not like a brother, no, Keith wasn't like Sven or like Yorak to him, or like Shiro, not at all. Keith... didn't die?? Good. And no one else died... Shiro wouldn't lie, on such matters... and that miraculous truth, that he didn't murder all the loved ones, was more mercy from Rwal Takashi Shirogane than Gyro ever deserved, Gyro decided, slowly. Much more._

_**********************_

_And then, he was back in his own body._

_**********_

Suddenly, he felt Allura. And Shiro.

 _No, no, no, this is mine, mine, mine, get out!!_ Gyro wanted to scream. _This accursed body is the only thing that is mine, and you can't have it, I'm not dead YET!!!_

But he had no strength left

to

scream and so

he didn't.

Slowly, inside his mind kicking and screaming, and punching and crying, he

Gyro

died.

While no one called him.

If he could just... live long long enough to apologise... that he couldn't...

_Is that my punishment?_

_*******************************************************_

He died. Funny... it was more peaceful and less painful than over nine hundred previous deaths that he now remembered. Maybe he should thank the princess Allura for that... but... he still... wanted to live... though he... Gyro... surely... he decided... he... didn't deserve the life that was never his. And... After that...

*************

_After?_

_*******_

_As many times as it takes,_

He remembers hearing

Words overwhelming him with warmth and gratitude,

Words never meant for...

_Words never meant for me, but for another. An honest mistake._

_Matt.... Lance... Kat--Pidge.... all their words were meant for the Stranger, too._

_So I hate him, hate Shiro, still._

_I'm sorry._

_Maybe there's nothing after death, I..._

_Hope so._

_To forget._

***************************************

 _I remember so clearly..._ _There was a person, and I thought I've known him, for a long time, but I didn't know that's not true, I never knew him, I didn't lie, I didn't know, I couldn't know..._ _He said "As many times as it takes"_ _and I fell in love but I couldn't know that, and_ _besides, I didn't know this wasn't meant for me. The words weren't for me, and I had no right even to ask, before, how many times he would save me before it was over, because this was the first time, and I didn't know._ _But.... if I can love, aren't I real?_

_*******_

_And then Matt. We hugged, when he first came back with Katie, but that wasn't meant for me, either. None of that was._ _Was... his love... meant for me? Or for Shiro._

_********_

_I'll never know._

_Hey, listen, Matt was actually in love with you, not me- hey, wait- there's still so much I need to ask you. Can't we both exist here while-- no, wait-- listen, maybe I misjudged you before, clone, I'm not sure if--_

_*********_

_Right. A clone. That's all I was, you're right, Stranger, so--- this is it, and-- there's nothing left to say, even if--- if my dreams could-- hey, listen, Strang--Shiro-- if you could -- tell Keith, Matt, Pidge, and Lance that I'm sorry, so sorry, and that they're... such good people, I could never-- no, nevermind, don't tell them---they don't care, they don't even know my name, so--  
_

_Wait,_ Shiro asked, though Gyro could barely hear anymore, because even with all protests, everything inside was too weak, even if Shiro wasn't actively trying to push him away (why wasn't he? He should be...)... _wait, what's your name, clone?_

_Dunno... call me Gyro, okay? And--if---_

_But why..? Why would you choose that? Instead of something real? I don't understand, this isn't even a-  
_

_Of course you don't, now I have one thing you won't get, good---_

_Wait. Did you actually think you were me??? G--_

Was Shiro going to call his name? Oh... And yes, of course he thought he was Shiro, was damned Familiar Stranger, Shiro, so fucking dense or what?! (He could swear now, right? He wasn't Shiro. Though, swearing wasn't polite...) But... of course he fucking thought HE, GYRO, HIMSELF, WAS EFFED SHIRO!!! Why else... who else would've...?! WANTED TO LIVE THIS FUCKING LIFE....???!!!!

But... even if Shiro was going to call him by the name at last, he was now, Gyro that is, much too far too catch it, or maybe, maybe there was no call to catch.

_*****************************_

And then there was nothing, for a time. However, Gyro didn't forget a thing.

It was just that for a time, again, he barely existed.

And wanted to come

Home, and couldn't. Never could, anyway, after all his crimes. Wasn't that right?

from afar he now saw memories and he understood

shiro was remembering

dreaming

reclaiming memories

and so

there was no place

to call HOME

not

anymore.

It was

if so

better to

die, better to just

effing

fade into

some unfamiliar

voids.

and hope for oblivion

or not. He wanted something, but all he wanted, was no longer his, now, was it?

Was it...

ever?

It couldn't

be. Because he wasn't a person, without a doubt, he knew now, no matter what anyone said.

Wasn't that so? So he'd... fade...and of course everybody will be relieved, he's realised, with conviction.

So why did he still not want that, but...

he wouldn't fight his own exhaustion anymore. So. There was nothing he could do, anymore, but

disappear. Thankfully probably forever, or so he

hoped, right now.

Only that. Because he never had anything anyway, wasn't that right?

But even if that was his reality, he hated that. He wished... he wished for many things. But it was far too

late.

And so, this was the end. He knew that. Or thought so, with utter and despairing certainty. Nothing else could happen, because no one was waiting for him, and that was the truth, he felt, now. So this had to be the end. And.... Besides, Gyro knew, from his whole...his own maybe slightly meager whole life experience...has been taught, not in words, that the only experience, many a time, the only experience truly only his own, and certainly not fabricated, was death. So many times... Yet he still didn't want it... but was too exhausted to fight, and besides, what for? To cause more grief? No, this was apparently the end... completely.. if he had barely any choice, maybe he could just choose not to prolong the suffering, even if... he would rather suffer, if... well....but....enough daydreaming... nobody would notice, anyway, so... he stopped fighting Shiro, now, even from afar. And knew, was sure, that unlike the blessed and lucky now Takashi Shirogane (well, yes, he had hard times, but oh, Gyro would take those, and more, for the wonderful people met, but... too late...), he would fade, now, so...

not many things even mattered anymore. He could now just remember. Things that were never meant for his ears...were they? So Gyro thought of things that mattered, remembered...

Apologising to Lance...

_Was I just saying what Shiro would've said if he snapped at Lance?_

He wondered...

_I can't bear to think that..._

_If all of that is 'Shiro', probably, where.....am...I? Just me....?_

_Somebody say my name, please..._

_Right...._

_Things other people said...._

_People I loved....or was that only old memories of Shiro saying I did... because there's not a thing that is really for me, in any reality that exists..._

_Things that were said..._

_Like Matt's <<I love you>> and <<You know, Gyro, if you're in pain, let's not do anything, it's not like we can't wait. The world isn't ending, we all won't let it. Let's just talk...>>_

_Like Keith's <<Shiro, please! You're my brother! I love you.>>_

_Like Lance's, after third game of M &M <<Your head only doesn't hurt when you play pretend fantasy? Shiro, that sucks. No offence.>>_

_Shiro, Shiro, Shiro..._

_I hate him so much, right now, now that I know I was never me..him...will never be me...er, him..._

..

_In the end, nobody in the Voltron team or whole coalition ever talked to me._

_Only to a grave._

_Without knowing._

_Yes, I feel like a thief, like a grave, like a murderer..._

_If I didn't know_

_And I didn't know.._

_Am I still guilty..?_

_Keith_

_Lance_

_My Matt_

_Hunk_

_Princess...Allura_

_Lotor_

And Iverson or even Sanda

_Black_

_And mister Sam_

_And parents..._

_And Stranger...that is, real and deadShiro..._

_And Haggar,_

_And Sendak,_

_And Zarkon..._

_No..._

_Anyone_...

_Please..._

_TELL ME ...but_

_SAY MY ACTUAL NAME EVEN IF IT'S NOT MINE CUZ STUPID STR-SHIRO MADE iT UP FOR D &D YEARS AGO...AND TELL ME_

_I DO NOT WANT TO DIE WITHOUT KNOWING IF I'M VERY EVIL ETC I DON'T Know_

_I'm sorry, I don't know, I'm sorry, everyone, please, forgive me, please, I love you, too...!!!_

_Too? Know_...

_< <love>>_

_I overheard it but it was never ever meant for my ears_

_Only his not that he has a body anymore, so here, heh, I win..._

_But_ _somehow_

_I'm not happy...._

*****************************

_And if I loved anyone as myself, was that fabricated?_

_Should I.... hope it was..._

_In the end, I... don't know myself, and...well, good riddance, but...I...I....I suddenly...am beginning to remember... the fight....against Keith, and....Keith is....so amazing, so brave, really never gave up, and now that I remember I'm not who I thought I was, I know, Keith, I would love..._

_But... that's not the point... that fight... back there... in pods, so many of 'I'... I hope they had been dead before I came there..._

_If not, I..._

_Only I..._

_Murdered so many of me, I..._

_Really... am evil..._

_And..._

_I..._

_Am..._

_Scared... even without pain, there's horror, so I will.... try and forget. Because no one cares, anyway, that's the truth..._

*****************************

***************

"Gyro! Quiznak, he also can't hear me, huh? Hey!! Gyro!!!!!" someone shouted. It was later. When, and was it really happening? A familiar voice, a dear one, but also not very familiar, but whose? Maybe a boy's, or... but whose? He wasn't sure. And besides, he shouldn't live anyway, because... _every other 'I' died (that's why I hate 'him' anyway, right now, now that I remember, before I forget again, and I will, because my memory is a sham and I always remember everything but myself, but now, I could hate him, he's the reason, if he was never born, this wouldn't have happened, if Shiro was never there...but then, nothing would've happened, I wouldn't have happened, which would be... good...? because I'm.... evil?.... I don't know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...and I want to live, but now I know I don't deserve to, because I'm just an evil thing, and....in that place...everyone fell...no, I... murdered everyone...unless they were already dead...so many of me, if I murdered them, even though before, so many died already, and doesn't that mean, I shouldn't have lived, either, as I'm no better..I...I should have just let Keith kill me...no....Keith wasn't trying to kill me, and besides, I had no control, because_

_HAGGAR.!_

_SHE, SHE KILLED ALL HUNDREDS OF ME, I WASN'T_

_I'M NOT GUILTY_

_I_

_DON'T_

_no, I am, I_

_I'm sorry_

_I tried to kill Keith, how can I say I'm not guilty (and so many myselves, there, if i killed them...did I..?? So many, so many, so many, I really don't deserve to live again, and then, others, and the, virus, when, I, she, I....and_

_KEITH, AND, I am.._

_Really just a murderer, am I not..._

_If I tried to kill everyone_

_I AM..._

_NO_

_I wasn't..._

_Never knew...never wanted...!!_

_No, Haggar tried.._

_But I never knew I am not myself..._

_No, it's my fault for not knowing, so that's even worse!_

_But, I.... I saw myself fight him...say awful things...and trying to hurt him...Keith...what does it matter if I had no control, surely Keith hates me now! And everyone does, because...because they should, because I should've somehow guessed I wasn't me, and should've....left....at least I'm leaving now....dead.),_ he thought...he remembered, and...then, again, he

Heard

Said...

Despearately..

At that time..

In memory slowly returning..

"Keith..."

*******

And now, but not from him, not from that one, not then, now, he heard,

In reality, now, not in memory,

"Gyro!"

As if someone would actually call him, himself, that would be

a

miracle. What he

wouldn't 

give

for this, but could he trust this reality?!

*****

Gyro opened not his own eyes and saw Yorak.

"Hi, Gyro," Yorak said. "Sven told me your name's Gyro, not Ghost."

Gyro stared at the boy, familiar but alien. And then looked around, with difficulty, taking in the sight of a familiar hospital room.

"Hi, Yorak..." Gyro muttered, sounding too much like Sven for his own liking. Where was he? Should he be here?

Could anything ever make sense?

"Listen," Yorak said, now glaring at Gyro a little, "I don't know who you are and what's your problem, Gyro, so shut up and help Sven, then go away."

Oh. _This makes sense. This, I can trust. Again, I don't mean a thing to anyone. Should I even bother helping?? No, I must. If I don't, Yorak might be miserable, and that's horrible._

And so, Shi- Gyro decided to help out Sven, especially since he was in Sven's body right now and Yorak asked, but...

There was only one tiny issue with...helping...

Gyro couldn't feel or hear Sven right now, despite current location.

Which, as far as he knew, meant Sven was dead. Dead and gone.

"I'll hep, don't worry about anything, Yorak," Gyro said, trying to sound convincing. "I will get your brother up in no time, 'kay? And leave after."

"Thanks, Gyro."

"E-er, no prob, bud!"

"Are you feverish or what?"

"Nope! Nope, nope, no. Er...nope."

Yorak looked at him in consternation, as Gyro tried to grin.

This was going to be a long day, or at least, that was Gyro's gut feeling right now, all in all. Especially since now, for the first time in his surprisingly to him apparently short lifetime, Gyro lied.

And wasn't sure how that made him feel, after all. Maybe, maybe, maybe he could tell himself it was a revenge against universes and feel good. Maybe. Maybe.

And besides, this was his decision. Not Haggar's, not Shiro's memories', not Team Voltron's, not anyone, just his own!

And so... why did it feel terrible despite that?

He had no idea.

Yorak smiled, and Gyro felt awful. He couldn't explain it.

He didn't know how.


	7. Interlude 3: In the past: recently: maybe a few weeks ago: Monsters and Mana, part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Third gaming session in the Castle of Lions. Timelinewise, sometime before Keith's return etc.

It was a few weeks ago.

"Lotor thinks I'm tired," Allura announced, "and thinks I should take a break."

Shiro grinned, and didn't know he was grinning until he saw his own expression reflected in Kat--Pidge and in Matt, so to speak.

"Er, I..." he said, sheepishly, "I'm just in love with this game. Er, I mean, not in _love_ love, it's just relaxing! And less headachey!"

Oh, brother. With every word Shiro felt as if he was digging a deeper grave-- er, hole....

Why were there so many grave metaphors in the world, anyway, by the way? Graves were.... so alien.

Somehow, Shiro couldn't imagine being buried. Or rather, he could, but not in a grave, but like, in a hole, like one would bury trash.

Huh? Where did that even came from?

Shiro shook his head. Matt was looking at him, slightly concerned. Was Matt a telepath or what? Or did he just know him that well?

Too bad Keith couldn't make it back from the mission today, it'd be great to play "Monsters and Mana" with him, too. Because... of course he wanted to show off to Matt, but he wanted to show off to Keith, too!

Suddenly, Shiro remembered Katie saying that he could woo Matt in M&M...

 _Yes... I can woo Matt... and maybe Keith... and Alllura... in M &M... S_hiro mused, and then...

 _What?!_ he thought, shocked at his own treacherous thoughts. _Matt, yes, but Allura?! Keith?! Those two... no, how could I even...?! That's inappropriate, unforgivable, what am I even thinking?! I must really be feeling not like myself lately or....?! Come on, I'm Shiro, I'm not like... that.... I'm faithful... I'm...._

_Then what about Adam? No, with Adam it's already over, so, well, okay, good. Why am I not... feeling sad...? Should I be sad?_

"Shiro?"

"I'm okay, Matt."

"Of course he's okay, he's Shiro."

"Thank you, Lance, for this valuable contribution. Now, can we do the thing we all want to do, as it doesn't seem as if anybody's attacking anyone right now, for a moment, and that'll change if we're too slow, and we might never do this again?"

"Yeah!" Everyone shouted.

 _Monsters and Mana_ was definitely popular in the Castle of Lions lately.

*********

"I get it that he's blind," 'Gyro' muttered, "but why wouldn't he open his eyes?"

"I bet," 'Pike' said, "that there's an Evil Demon of Ultimate Evil sealed in his very eyeballs!"

"In Coran's eyeballs?? Eww!"

"Guys, I'm gonna puke. Not again, guys, please, no brains, no eyeballs, no possessions."

"Anyway! I doubt it."

"Why, Shir--Gyro?"

"If there was a demon sealed in somebody's eyeballs, wouldn't that person know that? At least deep inside?"

"Eh, I doubt it," Pike said. "I mean, it's not like any of us could look inside our own eyballs.

"We could, with x-ray--"

"Pidge!"

"That's not my name, I'm-"

"Exactly. So there are no x-rays here!"

"Oh, oops. You're right."

Gyro wondered. Was it possible for someone to carry an ancient evil inside themselves and not even know it?

Probably not.

"I say," Shiro, er, Gyro, announced, "before we reach any conclusion, we should go to the Fountain of Youth!"

"What for? I'm already young!"

"I could go to the Fountain of Youth, sounds fun!"

"No, no, that's not the reason," Gyro explained, patiently. "It's not about the destination, it's about the Journey."

"Awww. Can we fly there on one of my magical mounts?"

"YES, please!"

Awesome! Now Shiro was even more pumped up for the 'journey.'

And slightly hungry, but reality could and should be ignored in favour of fantasy, just for a short moment, he decided. Maybe it was good that Keith wasn't here. He would immediately noticed that Shiro is very hungry, because unlike a paladin figurine, he had physical needs.

Oh, well.

"Let's go!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Next chapter "The Hanging Tree", when I edit it more.
> 
> Who knows when. :) Idk, we'll see.
> 
> Excerpt from next chapter, "The Hanging Tree":
> 
> ***
> 
> Each day, Yorak, Adomas, Slav, and some other members of Guns of Gamora would ask Gyro when was Sven coming back.
> 
> Funny thing about horrid lies - each day it became easier to lie, to tell them that it was gonna be soon, pretty soon, probably next month. To tell them lies that, well, Sven's quintessense was still weak, but getting stronger, soon, and that the guy was gonna be up pretty soon, no worries.
> 
> While actually Gyro wondered if Sven was dead, but that, that was Gyro's own dark secret, because...  
> Besides, life was good. Being friends with Yorak, Slav, Adomas, and Lance was wonderful.
> 
> And so was being a member of Guns of Gamora, risking his life every day.
> 
> Expaining to some members that he wasn't Sven, but Gyro, temporarily here to help Sven, and hence different accent etc, wasn't great, but became routine procedureto Gyro now. Say this, this, and that, have Yorak vouch for the truth of it
> 
> (The lie, but Yorak didn't know)
> 
> And voila, everyone was happy! And accepting Gyro as Gyro, a temporary guest member
> 
> For a time,
> 
> Yeah.
> 
> Voila! Life was good, wasn't it, now?
> 
> Doing things as himself, having friends as himself, leaving a life as himself, with people around knowing his name, his history (he told Yorak, Adomas, Slav, and Lance parts of it), and still trusting him, it felt great!
> 
> And horrible.
> 
> ***
> 
> A/N 2: There will be maaaaaaany "Monsters and Mana" interludes, not very plot relevant, feel free to skip those.  
> A/N 3: if you think something in this chapter was a reference to some anime you know, or to a video game, then 90 % chance is, yes, you're right, and I had watched and loved that thing, too. :D XD
> 
> See you all soon. :)


	8. The Hanging Tree

Each day, Yorak, Adomas, Slav, and some other members of Guns of Gamora would ask Gyro when was Sven coming back.

Funny thing about horrid lies - each day it became easier to lie, to tell them that it was gonna be soon, pretty soon, probably next month. To tell them lies that, well, Sven’s quintessense was still weak, but getting stronger, soon, and that the guy was gonna be up pretty soon, no worries.

While actually Gyro wondered if Sven was dead, but that, that was Gyro’s own dark secret, because…<br />  
Besides, life was good. Being friends with Yorak, Slav, Adomas, and Lance was wonderful.

And so was being a member of Guns of Gamora, risking his life every day.

Expaining to some members that he wasn’t Sven, but Gyro, temporarily here to help Sven, and hence different accent etc, wasn’t great, but became routine procedureto Gyro now. Say this, this, and that, have Yorak vouch for the truth of it

(The lie, but Yorak didn’t know)

And voila, everyone was happy! And accepting Gyro as Gyro, a temporary guest member

For a time,

Yeah.

Voila! Life was good, wasn’t it, now?

Doing things as himself, having friends as himself, leaving a life as himself, with people around knowing his name, his history (he told Yorak, Adomas, Slav, and Lance parts of it), and still trusting him, it felt great!

However, somehow, it also felt like drowning in pink liquid again. Not physically, but the emotions were similar. Gyro felt… guilty. And conflicted, perhaps.

But if he stopped lying, he’d have to tell the truth. And what was the truth? Was Sven…

_Is Sven dead? And if he is, how the quiznack am I supposed to tell Kei-- Yorak?_

And every day, Gyro woke up scared, scared of dying, but also scared of being caught red-handed.

If the lie was found out, Yorak would just kill him… hopefully, just that… so why was he scared?

And of his own lies, too. Why was he becoming good at lying? Was that what he truly was?

Was it?

Surely. After all, wasn’t it said that he was an evil thing?

***

They were getting ready for a mission. He was going with Adomas, Yorak, and Slav, while Lance was going with Kitty, Samuel, and Zarkon.

It was a stealth mission, but the stealth part would only begin when they arrived at their destination. So there was still time enough to talk.

 _Time enough to confess,_ Gyro thought.

Recently, he was thinking. As himself. A lot. More than he cared to.

He sighed, and discreetly turned off the commlink. He didn’t want Lance, Kitty, Sam, and Zarkon to hear what he had to say, not right now. So, for now, no communications, no overhearing. He’d turn the communication back on in a tick, so there was no problem, was there?

Yorak was napping a little in his seat. Despite himself, most likely. Not really shocking, seeing as the boy spent last three nights on the job and didn’t get a wink of sleep.

Adomas was in the back, reading. He usually tried to ignore Gyro, apparently. No wonder. Gyro smiled a little at that, happy that even Adomas didn’t suspect a thing, or at most, was suspecting that Gyro was overstaying his welcome a little.

Which, to be fair, Gyro was doing, but… much more than that, and much worse.

Right… there was nothing to be smiling about.

Gyro sighed, and shook Yorak awake.

The boy yawned, but apart from that, immediately looked alert and ready, his eyes slits for a moment, ready for any incoming danger.

„Er, it’s okay.” Gyro muttered.

„Hm?”

„I just need to tell you the truth. About myself.”

„Gyro. I’ve already heard it all. Slav and Adom, too. Give it a rest, will you? I know it by heart already. Alternate reality, formerly evil clone, made by evil witch of alternate evil Galra race, but half-Altean, Hager or something, sent to be Shiro aka alternate Sven, you didn’t remember being evil clone, because that’d get in the way of unknown spy job, you became friends with Voltron people, fell in love with Kitty’s brother alternate, almost killed Keith aka alternate me, Keith saved your life while thinking you were Shiro, so you’re very grateful to him, alternate good Allura saved Shiro’s life so now everyone’s back together and happy, alternate me included, and you accidentally booted yourself out of that reality, so now you’re temporarily here until you go back to your own body and finally talk to Shiro, which you seriously should do, yadda yadda, the end. We all already know the story.”

„But, I…”

„You what?” Yorak asked, frowning.

„I need to tell you the truth!”

„That you sometimes almost confuse me for Keith? Brother, I know.”

Oh.

„You…. Knew that?”

„Yep. Stop doing that.”

„O-okay.”

Adomas walked up to them and said,

„Regrettably, time for nonsense confessions is over, seeing as we’re getting close to the Altean base. If you want to tell me that you’re confusing me with Shiro’s Adam, well then, don’t, nobody needs to hear that.”

„I… don’t,” Gyro replied, looking at the floor as if it was very interesting indeed. Anything not to look at any of his friends and teammates right now. „I… am not. It’s not…. I…”

Gyro closed his eyes. It was a good thing that Kei—Yorak was piloting the fighter, because… Gyro didn’t feel up to piloting any vehicle, right now.

„I…”

„You what?”

„I…. the truth is… Sven is dead, I’m almost sure, dammit, I’m the only one who’s in this stupid body right now!!”

He didn’t open his eyes.

He didn’t want to see Yorak’s face, right now.

Or anybody’s, for that matter.

Finally, he said what was probably true, and it should bring him, at least – not them all, but himself, Gyro – some relief, but somehow, it didn’t, and he… was scared… he didn’t feel ready to face anyone, right now, and—

*********

Everything around him was empty when he finally looked around. And with a jolt, he realised – he ran. Inward, that is.

He was now, again, in his own mind.

But also… he had a feeling that he was…. Physically… if from afar… in a very familiar place.

That’s rigtht…

With a sudden discomfort, Gyro realised, knew, felt…

_I’m back. Back home. Back in my own reality. Back in my own body._

_But not in control._

_That’s nothing new._

_Besides, why would I be in control?_

_This body is Stranger’s now. Shiro’s._

And as if through an unseen veil, he could feel Shiro’s thoughts and feelings and sensations from afar.

He could probably connect to the body and throw Shiro out if he tried hard enough. It was his own body, after all, moreso than it was Shiro’s, even if Shiro, Takashi Shirogane, was in full control of it right now, and was using it right now.

Barely disconnected, Gyro realised that the body only had one arm.

Which… right, of course. He remembered, after all. But because Sven had two arms, Gyro almost… forgot, in a way.

And wasn’t used to it.

Much less used to it than the familiar Stranger, right now, most likely.

„He’s here,” he heard Shiro say, suddenly, from afar.

It was unfair, wasn’t it? The Stra—Shiro using Gyro’s own body to move, to speak… when did he ever get permission, hm?!

„I think my poor clone is back here,” he heard Shiro clarify. „He’s not fighting me – I think he’s scared. Keith, could you talk to him? Tell him we’re not mad or something? I think he’s terrified of us. And I don’t think he’ll possess me or anything, don’t worry.”

_Poor?_

_Terrified?_

_Scared??_

Gyro seethed, and decided to _show him._

_You want some ‘demonic possession’, Shiro?! Well then, you’ll have it!!_

And then, with all the Focus, with all the strength, inside, for a lack of better term, Gyro kicked, punched, screamed, and **shoved.**

********

He blinked.

He was… in control, now.

And he was… sitting in a cell. On some kind of a ship? Maybe a Galra one?

And other Paladins were there, too.

All cuffed.

Himself, too.

„H-hello, K-Keith?” he stuttered out, uncertain, looking straight into Keith’s eyes, apparently unable to bring himself to just… look away.

„You’re Gyro, aren’t you?” the Red Paladin – well, he had that uniform, at least, so of course the name came to mind – asked, looking tense, wary, and cautious.

„If I said I’m Shiro, would you believe me?” Gyro asked, almost flatly.

„Not with this tone of voice,” Hunk said.

„F-fair point,” Gyro admitted, and tried not to snicker.

Home, sweet home. Even if this was, possibly, some Galran prison cell on some ship.

Now to find out how much everyone hated him right now.

He could feel Shiro inside, nearby. Oh…!

„Shiro’s alive! Why isn’t he taking control?!” Gyro exclaimed, unable to keep his stupid mouth shut.

Everyone visibly relaxed at that. Most of them even laughed a little, visibly relieved, and… what else?

„Dummy,” Kit—Kat--- er, Pidge said, „We’ve been trying to contact you, Gyro. Shiro was trying, too. And now you’re here. We thought you died. Matt will be happy to hear you’re alive, somewhere deep inside. Are you hurt?”

„H-h-hurt? N-n-n-n-n-no, I-I, I’m-m-m, not, not, I… I’m not h-hurt…” Gyro stammered out. The thought that Matt mourned him, a little, that was…. Just incredible!

Maybe Matt did fall in love with him, Gyro, not Shiro! Matt... he wanted to see Matt again, but, could he? After everything?

But…. But…

„A-a-a-a-are you s-s-s-s-sur-r-r-re M-M-M-Matt w-w-wants me a-alive?” Gyro asked.

„Shsh, I think Gyro’s broken, he can’t even say a word without a stutter,” Lance – not other reality’s Lance, Gyro’s Lance, this Lance, it was good to see him, just like it was good to see this Keith and this Pidge and this Allura and this Hunk, and it was even not so bad to learn that the Stranger, Shiro, Takashi Shirogane, was alive (even if Gyro still begrudged him the body, he had no right--) – said, in a theatrical whisper. "Gyro never stuttered when he was being Shiro. When he thought he was Shiro."

"He's never was Shiro," Keith said, glaring at Lance a little. "And I don't know what he thought. I'll ask him in a moment, I want to know everything. Anyway, should I call him Shiro? Or some other name? You're calling him 'Gyro'? That's weird."

"That's his petname. Dunno what his name is!"

"Why are you calling Shiro by a petname??" Keith now asked, incredulous. "I mean, Clone. By a petname. Why?"

Gyro was… much more exhausted than he thought, and lost consciousness, again.

„Shiro!” Keith and Hunk cried out. „Shiro!”

„Shiro! Gyro! Hang on!” Lance shouted.

And then, Gyro couldn’t hear much more.

Maybe a roar, but probably, he was just hallucinating, and if not, he didn’t really want to know.

If they all hated him, now, he didn't want to know, he didn't want to be here-

"Shiro, wait-" he thought he heard Keith say, but it was already from very far away, as Gyro was trying to disappear, afraid to hear, afraid to know--

And he thought he heard Lance trie and apologise, to Gyro personally, but, why would he, and...

Gyro thought... this was all a mistake, and really, he wasn't needed here, at home, anyway, was he, had he ever been? And so-

He wanted to disappear-

(But not completely, just, elsewhere-)

But it was wondeful to know that all the Paladins were alive, and even remembered him, but, he couldn't stay here, couldn't, wouldn't, no! No, he was too scared!!

*******

And then he was inside his own mind again, but not for long, and then, he was elsewhere, in pure white, and then.... and then....

********

 _I'm a coward. Since I remembered I'm not myself, all I do is run,_ Gyro thought.

_Not myself? That's right... My name is Gyro, let's say. But, what am I? Who am I? Where am I needed?_

_Anywhere?_

_Probably not..._

_All I do, since I died again, is lie and steal..._

To be happy... as if any universe would allow him that, when he was just another faulty specimen, surely.

He couldn't survive anywhere, he should stop fooling himself, that was the truth, wasn't it?

And that everybody hated him?

Besides, why should he survive?

For a thing like himself... To survive was just... to lie or to steal... and why should he...?

*****************************************

 _To survive... I have no right, do I?_ Gyro asked himself. _When so many of 'I' died for no reason. I died, hundreds of time, and was that I? Or was that other people? Are they people? Am I?_

_Am I them?_

_Was I?_

_It hurt._

_I was scared. I didn't understand that I'm dying. And then, I did understand that I'm dying. Am I lucky that I understood? Or was it better that I didn't?  
_

_When did 'I' begin?_

_I died several hundred times... but I wasn't me._

And then...

He couldn't stay in the white too long, the quintessence was too much, he had to leave, he had to go somewhere else, anywhere, any reality, anything.

Anywhere!

**************

The white place, again, and then, he wasn't sure, but as always, he could only try and get through, anywhere, anyhow, somewhere, anywhere, pointlessly, perhaps.

***************

„The five of us were lucky to survive,” Gyro heard an unfamilliar voice say, from very far away. The air was different. But he couldn't really say much more, about his surroundings, as, whoever was here, and in whoever's body he found himself right now, Gyro definitely wasn't in control, an unfamiliar stranger was, not giving Gyro an inch, and Gyro had no idea where he found himself, and in what reality, right now.

"Why was Earth ruined?" whoever the stranger was said.

Eath was ruined?!

Gyro had no idea what reality this was, but right now, he was determined to stay and find out, even if he had no body.

 _Why do I care?_ Gyro wondered.

He could feel the unfamiliar stranger's, the body's owner's, thoughts, feelings, and sensations, but he himself was right now hiding himself inside well enough that the stranger, apparently confident of being the only person in own body, couldn't notice him at all.

"War," he heard somebody say, a child, most likely.

What sort of reality did he find himself in, right now? He had no idea.

He wanted to go back home. However, before that, he wanted to find out.

He needed to find out, or he'd worry about those strangers, about whom a suspicion was slowly forming in his mind, forever and ever. He could try seeing the surroundings with unfamiliar stranger's eyes, but that would feel invasive, wouldn't it?

Maybe in a moment, he decided. For now, he could just overhear whatever was said, couldn't he? While trying not to feel like a spy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Title from a song by Jennifer Lawrence, of course, because as I've said, I'm not good at making up titles.
> 
> And yes. This is a crossover with "Beast King GoLion", starting now, so now it's gonna be three weeks until next chapter, until I watch that anime in full. :D
> 
> (Yes, I do stealth crossovers sometimes. XD But as it's no longer a secret, I'm gonna put that into tags. :D )
> 
> (And of course other Sven, Akira, and Hiroshi are completely unfamiliar to Gyro, despite the connection. )
> 
> See you all later!
> 
> A/N 2: Gyro is dead right now, but he accidentally subconsciously knows how to travel to different realities, as long as there's a familiar seeming living body (occupied, usually, so he's usually in a sort of 'I'm-not-going-to-possess-you-really' mode) in a reality he travels to. Why he accidentally can do it? Well, with a few AU tweaks here and there, that should be obvious. Remember what Haggar did and who saw it? XD


	9. Interlude: People Hear what They Expect or Know or Wish (or Dread) to Hear, Always, instead of what's There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith's PoV. Aka we get to hear what Keith actually said while Gyro was half-hearing it and freaking out. Etc.

„You dummy,” Pidge said, „We’ve been trying to contact you, Gyro. Shiro was trying, too. And now you’re here. We thought you died. Matt will be happy to hear you’re alive, somewhere deep inside. Are you hurt?”

„H-h-hurt? N-n-n-n-n-no, I-I, I’m-m-m, not, not, I… I’m not h-hurt…” Not-Shiro stammered out. Was there something wrong with his vocal chords?, Keith wondered.

 _Wait, no, there isn't. Shiro used those, and had no trouble, so why would Not-Shiro suddenly be a stutterer?_ Keith considered it and then realised it made no sense.

Nonsense or not, it was still happening.

Oh. Maybe it wasn't in the body, but in the head. Er, in spirit? In quintessence? Maybe Not-Shiro had some mental problems.

 _If so, that's my fault,_ Keith thought. _I cut his arm off, and he's apparently very young, did I... break him? That's it, he's terrified of me, this is the reason he stutters when he sees me! Poor Clone. I'm so sorry. I thought I was saving Shiro and myself, not hurting some stranger!_

Lance, Pidge, Hunk, and Allura were all visibly trying to think of anything to say.

This was a disaster. As if the fact that the Galra caught them and they were now in some quiznacking cell wasn't one hell of a disaster already!

„A-a-a-a-are you s-s-s-s-sur-r-r-re M-M-M-Matt w-w-wants me a-alive?” Gyro asked.

Keith winced. _He's looking at me, this stranger, this Clone, right now, the whole time. Wide-eyed. Terrified of me. Can a person get flustered from fear? He looks flustered, staring at me._

_Apparently it's possible to get like that from shock and fear?_

_I'm so sorry, Not-Shiro,_ Keith thought, not trusting himself to say anything to this familiar stranger who was his brother's clone.

In other words, a familiar stranger.

He wanted to say something, anything, to save this clone who was, Keith realised with a start... **couldn't be** more than **a few years old** and probably not even that much!

Horrible. Absolutely, utterly horrible.

And he, Keith, fought him like a man! A child like that! Obviously, the whole fight was to NOT fight him, because he thought he was Shiro, which made that very much better, but still!

Keith wanted to say something, to make himself appear less of a monster in Clone's eyes, but Lance was faster, again. _Dammit, Lance. Can't you give me a second?!_

„Shsh, I think Gyro’s broken, he can’t even say a word without a stutter,” Lance said, trying to whisper apparently, but much too loud. "Gyro never stuttered when he was being Shiro. When he thought he was Shiro."

"That's NOT SHIRO, HE was NEVER ever SHIRO, it turns out!," Keith said, glaring daggers at Lance, and glancing at **NOT-SHIRO** in **SHIRO's** body, temporarily borrowed from Shiro to use by **NOT-SHIRO,** courtesy of **Shiro** for sure, because Shiro was always just this damned fucking kind. And hopefully save somewhere in this body, and hopefully not going to the BLACK again, enough was enough, Keith couldn't bear Shiro dying the second time if it ever happened.. "And I don't know what it, er, **he** thought. I'll ask **him** in a moment, I want to know everything. Anyway, should I call him Shiro? Or some other name? You're calling him 'Gyro'? That's fucking weird."

"That's his petname. Dunno what his name is!"

"Why are you calling Not-Shiro by a petname??" Keith now asked, incredulous. "I mean, **Clone**. By a petname. Why?"

Suddenly, Not-Shiro shuddered, moaned, and then his eyes closed, and he looked very pale.

„Shiro!” Keith and Hunk cried out. „Shiro!”

„Shiro! Gyro! Hang on!” Lance shouted.

"Not-Shiro, wait-" Keith cried out, now ashamed at scared, because a part of him WANTED Not-Shiro to go away immediately, in order not to risk Shiro again. Not again. Never again.

Still, he owed Not-Shiro something, didn't he?!

"Clone, wait!" Keith shouted, again trying...

Lance glared at him.

"I'd look away, too, if anybody in my family suddenly kept me calling Not-Veronica!" Lance screamed, surprising Keith.

"That's not what I meant..."

"He's a person, a _person,_ just like you or Shiro or Hunk, and his name is Gyro!" Lance shouted, looking ready to smack Keith.

Keith's eyes widened.

_Right... but it was so ridiculous, I just..._

Shiro groaned, and opened his eyes.

"What's going on? What did you guys all tell him?" Shiro asked.

"Keith told him we all hate him!" Lance shouted.

"That's just not true," Hunk said, trying to interject.

"Shiro, are you alright? Do you know if Gyro still exists?" Pidge asked.

Keith held his breath in anticipation. But... leave it to Hunk to go with diplomacy, and to Pidge to take action and _ask_ quickly instead of playing a blame game!

 _We'd long have been lost without these two, right, Shiro?_ Keith thought, glancing at his brother, sure that he shared similar thoughts.

 _"_ Yes, and, maybe yes, I hope, I haven't apologised to him yet, for calling him an evil thing, I didn't know any better. And I can feel him, feel Gyro I mean, sort of, distantly, but not in our reality right now," Shiro replied.

"Not in our-?"

Unfortunately, the conversation got completely interrupted as the doors to the cell opened.

The Galra - no, not just any Galra, Keith noted, but Acxa's two half-Galran teammates, walked right into the cell.

Not-Shiro, wherever his spirit might've floated off to, would have to wait, Keith realised. This wasn't the time for saving traumatised toddlers, unfortunately, even if that sucked. No - not before saving own family.


	10. Neon God

Five young people in this reality - one of them, in whose oblivious body, near whose oblivious spirit (quintessence) Jiro was hiding right now, named Takashi Shirogane - were talking about what happened to them. About war, about capture. There might've even mentioned Daibazaal. Jiro wasn't really listening.

Jiro was remembering, for the first time, exactly, the moment he died.

No, that was nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Jiro was remembering, for the first time, with crystal clarity, the moment Keith gave up on him.

Keith wasn't mistaken, or misguided, or a bad brother, to have done so. No, no, no. Keith...

_Keith is **PERFECT.**_

Keith was Shi-- Gyro's brother, younger brother, so Keith was a good kid and--

_NO. That is all inherited memories._

_Keith is Shiro's brother._

_Good kid? Future leader material? Talented and kind kid? My little brother now, who looks to me for guidance, and I musn't disappount his hopes as a brother, in the short time I still have?and I must make him stop putting me on the pedestal? Keith - impatient, but still learning focus, and will be a better leader soon?_

_Bullshit! Shiro feels that in old memories I have. I do not._

_Keith is... **PERFECT.**_

_I am wrong about-- no--- that's not-----Shiro is wrong about Keith. Keith is an utterly perfect and flawless human being is what he is._

_So if Keith...,_ Shi--Gyro thought, _threw me out into trash, banned me from my body, then... that's where I must remain. Outside my body. Elsewhere. Never again coming home._

_That's the verdict._

_***************_

_Keith came back, back then, radiant, heavenly, beautiful. Came back with his mother, and **I** accepted her thanks, not knowing she had the wrong address, not yet knowing I was NOT Shiro, all I was was an evil thing, after all, and I was a liar, liar, liar, not knowing I was a liar._

_I met Krolia. Since I had died... has the real Takashi Shirogane met Krolia already? I hope he hasn't. I hope I have him beat, when it comes to that, when it comes to many little things._

_I have a few memories Shiro does not have, because he didn't exist at those moments._

_There's a video of me, I KNOW my Lance saved it. I hope Takashi Shirogane watches it._

_I hope he's envious._

_*****_

_I met Krolia. But what happened afterwards? My head was hurting. I had no idea why._

_Liar. I didn't know because I didn't want to know._

_Like listening to a child crying in the next doors. It's possible not to know the reason, but is it forgivable?_

_The child who was crying was me. Not Shiro, me, myself. My self? Do I.... have one? Didn't the true Shiro say I'm just an evil thing? And Keith didn't protest any.  
_

_So, I know that it's true. I know I'm just an evil thing. As was said._

_And so, I didn't know why._

_But of course I'm an evil thing. If I wasn't an evil thing, I wouldn't have given in to Haggar, isn't that obvious?_

_******_

_I could say it's Haggar's fault, but... I'm the one who gave in, am I not? What if I didn't give in? Say, if I just, dunno, managed to jump out of the ship or anything of the kind? Everybody would've been much happier and safer._

_Keith would've been much happier and safer._

*********

He spent the next days, or was it weeks, or months, Jiro had no idea, barely aware of the foreign reality around, remembering - it was hard to access those memories, really - evil thing's (himself? But was this really... him? He wouldn't have said... would he...? those things.... those awful things...)...

Remembering the Evil Thing's fight against Keith. His Keith. His Red Paladin.

No, not his. Never his at all. All the wishing in all the realities wouldn't have made him his.

Because who'd love an Evil Thing?

**********

And meanwhile, during that fight with Keith, the brilliant Keith, who made him feel things no other Keith in any other reality could make Jiro feel, even if they came close enough.... Jiro also remembered, with incessant guilt, now..

_I had killed so many of me. So many died. So many._

_So many!!!_

_So I have no right to live, because they didn't._

_How many more...?_

******************

A strange quintessence awoke him. It was different, but it was familiar.

It was very different from hers, but very familiar to hers, too.

_Haggar!_

This reality's Shiro was, right now, fighting against Haggar.Jiro's first instinct was to go elsewhere, to another reality, because he never, ever wanted to see Haggar again, any Haggar, in any dimension.

But... Shiro was in clear distress. He was scared. Showing some bravado, maybe, but still scared.

At that moment, that Shiro, of this for now local reality, slightly reminded Shi--Gyro of Keith.

_I'll save you,_

Gyro decided.

And took over - brutally, without permission, shoving the young man's quintessence aside with violence, but still leaving it perfectly unharmed in the young man's body. Because if he could help a Shiro, why would he not?

_Wait. Don't I hate all real Shiros? Because I'm only a fake?_

But then, the witch's cat (so similar!) attacked Shiro (with himself inside) and then, a beast attacked. A Robeast.

And then Jiro understood. 

_Even if I did hate every Shiro - quiznak, who knows if I do or don't - every has people who depend on him, and he on them, and that's why--- if not for that, I'd never come to be---_

_Born? I don't know if I was, anyhow._

_But, if not for those people - not them, over there, but people just like them - needing Shiro, and Shiro needing them - I'd never have come to breathe in the first place._

_My name isn't Shiro, because I'm not one of those who is,_ the clone suddenly thought.

_And my name isn't Jiro - all this time, in the Guns of Gamara and in other places, I was roleplaying a Paladin without having earned that._

_I have no name._

_At least until I try and save this Shiro from this Robeast till Isamu can come back with backup._

Shiro's arm suddenly shined, purple light, even though the arm was no prosthetic, but flesh.

However, Jiro - because he was doing that - had long stopped wondering what he could and couldn't do.

 _You can't resist me,_ **she** once said, it felt like ages ago.

He didn't think he could. But he had to.

Therefore, back then, he had stopped thinking. But never stopped feeling.

Because even if all his thoughts were to turn out to be lies and illusions--

Somehow, deep inside, he had this certainty that all he _felt_ was real, even in, as he learnt nearly upon death, in a fake person, a human shaped experimental hamster, like himself.

Screaming loudly, and somehow charging a blast in his (not his) arm, he attacked the beast. Hoping Isamu would come with backup, with Lions, very, very soon as it was surely impossible for a human to beat a beast.

If he was even a human. That was the one thing Jiro's always doubted, since finding out that he wasn't real Shiro.... ergo, was not real at all.

He attacked, then dodged. Telling himself to stop thinking. This fight wasn't about him, no fight ever was, because he was fake.

A fantasy. Was all he was.

This fight was, right now, about saving a life of one of many real Takashi Shiroganes (so many realities, so many of them), a pilot of one Blue Lion.

And Jiro decided to do it even if it killled him. Since he was already dead, anyway. No heroism there, huh?

Still, he'd do it. Otherwise Isamu, who felt a bit like Lance, might feel guilty.

 _I'm so selfish,_ Ji-- no, Shiro's clone thought, barely managing to dodge. _I'm no hero. I simply love a few real, true, honest Heroes, in all the realities they live in. Love them so much I could worship them. But I'm no hero. I only... want them to smile. At me._

He jumped away, then attacked again, slicing, and trying to judge the beast's speed and endurance.

"What you don't know about me," he muttered, sure that no one will understand, anyway, "is that my only not only copied, but my own... skill... that skill is _going through hell._ I can do that. Any time. As long as I care enough."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> An excerpt from next chapter:
> 
> "But that's just it, Princess Fala! I can walk right into a body of anyone I know or their counterpart anywhere, and into their dreams, too, but I can never breathe again, not with my own body, that is, cuz I've got quiznaking none! Ditto with touching!" he shouted.
> 
> The Princess frowned and then sobbed, rather noisily.
> 
> Jiro suddenly felt like an utter boor, and quickly retreated, giving the body back to Shiro, its original owner, after all. Giving it back for a time. Maybe for a day. Or two. Or infinity. Er, eternity. Or two.
> 
> If anybody wanted to kill him forever, he dimly thought while retreating to uncosciousness, if they were smart they'd try killing him with real tears.


	11. The Lion Goddess, Perhaps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And the many 'buts' that still plagued some people. And the clone.
> 
> 'Buts' that only children don't have, perhaps.
> 
> Perhaps.
> 
> How would he know? He had no right to a childhood, and so, he's been denied one, forever, and never had one, never would. Wasn't that right?
> 
> Unless gods and Fala would have other plans.

He wasn't sure how much time passed.

The fight was over, now. It seemed he's bought enough time for reinforcements to come, so to speak. That is, other Lions.

The Lions were different in this Universe. But of course. The Lions were different in any Reality. About the only thing that connected the Lions in any Reality was their colours, strangely enough. Anything else could differ. He knew that by now.

He wasn't sure of anything, even himself, and so, he didn't really react when Allura, no, Princess Fala she was called, in this Reality, and oh how different this one was already, but... anyway, the clone didn't really react when Fala touched his forehead, checking whether he has a fever.

No, not his forehead. This Reality's Shiro. Right. He should scurry away and give the control of this body back to this Reality's Shiro. So as not to be a thief, again.

Again and again and again. Because he's already done that, once, no, not once, depending on how one looks.

If he had no permission, that was stealing--

Oh.

Right, he was remembering that ridiculous conversation. Oh, Keith, Keith... er, no, in this case, oh, Yorak...

******************

_"But I don't think you a thief," Yorak said, while cleaning his blade. "Doesn't Sven allow you, after all, to be here, till he heals?"_

_"Yes, but-"_

_"But. But. But. You know what? I've figured how you differ for Sven after five minutes of knowing you, two weeks ago. You're just full of buts and buts and buts! Live a little, Ghost."_

_"Easy for you to say, K--Yorak."_

_"Eh, you can call me Keith. Mom said Dad was gonna name me that, maybe."_

_"Truly?"_

_"Yeah! And, Ghost, your name's Jiro, right, or something? Should I call you that?"_

_"Yea, but-"_

_"Buts again! You know what? For each next 'but', I'll punch you. Then you might stop. I want you to live a little, you know."_

_"But I'm dead-- ouch!"_

_"That's no excuse, S---Ghost!"_

_"O-okay, Keith.."_

_**************************_

"Shiro?"

"O-oh. Sorry, I've drifted, Princess..." the clone replied, coming out of the daze.

"And that's not his name!" Akira supplied helpfully, if rather loudly.

"Oh, that's right. You are a spirit, who came to our aid, was that not so?"

"Mhm-hmm." He nodded, after uttering that.

"Thank you!" Hiroshi, the little Green Paladin, yelled cheerfully.

Jiro's been introduced to everyone already, after the battle. He's also learned that here, everybody knew Haggar (Honerva) as Honerva, always, oh, and that her Emperor's name in this Reality was Daibazaal. Perfectly logical, if his experience with alternate Reality's taught him anything so far.

After all, he's known the name Daibazaal already. Just as, for example... he had reasons to suspect that if he were to talk to his Reality's Keith, he'd find that Keith knowing the name _Yorak._ Probably would even, very much likely, hear from him that that was the name his mother was thinking of, for him.

_To talk to my Keith! As if I could ever look him in the eyes again. Ridiculous. Why do I play all these what-ifs?_

"Heeeey, mister spirit!" Hiroshi shouted, right into Shiro's face.

Jiro shuddered and fell over from his chair.

"Hey, you've spooked the ghost, and that's something," Isamu, who wasn't quite Lance, noted.

"High five!" Hiroshi yelled, and did it with Isamu before he could protest.

"Dunno about that ghost stuff. He might be a secretly very evil ghost and we should all beat him up!" Tsuyoshi, the Yellow Paladin, exclaimed, fortunately not right into his face.

"I get it," not-Jiro, because that was just a fantasy name, all of that was just a fantasy, was it not? said. "I get it, so, it's fine, like that. I'm not planning to visit any more Realities. I'm not planning to disturb any more Shiros. I hate Shiros, anyway. Don't think of it as me saving yours. It was just convenient to me, that's all. I don't care that he'd've died if I wasn't here. It was just convenient. Goodbye."

He willed himself to leave this body, this man who wasn't him, there was no reason to 'steal without permission', there was no reason to bring suffering to any of these people who were not his family for the want of a nail.

************

He blinked. For a longed time. Then, there was nothing he could see. He blinked again. Closed his eyes. Focused. Open his eyes. His own.

 _Oh. No. I'm still in the same Reality, somehow. And not in anyone's body or in anyone's dream. But how?_ the clone of Shiro thought, confused but sure of that much.

*************

He was still in the castle. But he had a feeling it wasn't the same time of the day right now, at the very least. So he must've transported himself... but within the same place.

Time?

Perhaps?

He then heard a little girl humming, and then singing something. He listened to the words. Did he know this little girl?

_For the want of a nail the shoe was lost,_   
_For the want of a shoe the horse was lost,_   
_For the want of a horse the rider was lost,_   
_For the want of a rider the battle was lost,_   
_For the want of a battle the kingdom was lost,_   
_And all for the want of a horseshoe-nail._

She sang. She was no good at singing, but clearly enjoyed doing it, apparently, from the sound of her voice.

Oh, he knew those words, even though it was not a song in his Shiro's Reality. These words, they were Benjamin Franklin's. Weren't they?

He looked at himself. He could barely see himself. Oh. He really was a ghost, right now. Very traditonally, too, huh?

He cackled.

For some minutes, it seemed, and when he looked around again, and looked down, there was the little girl, tugging at his trousers.

"Hello. My name's Fala, and I'm a Princess here. What's yours? Who ARE youuuu?" the girl asked.

"Er..."

"You can see me, can't you? Mister ghost."

"Er, yes, I can," Jiro replied.

"Good! You know, my Dad and Mom are ghosts, too. Daibazaal and Honerva beheaded them, so they're ghosts now. Father and Mother, not Daibazaal and Honerva, that is."

"Oh."

"Oh?"

"Oh, that is, I'm sorry... my Princess."

So the girl was Fala. Of course he knew her. And of course he was now in the same Reality, still, just a bit in the past.

"Why are you sorry? You're not King Daibazaal."

"I guess I'm not."

Little Fala looked him up and down, very seriously, then ran off. When he thought he wouldn't see her again, she came back, hurriedly, with a mirror, and held it up, as far up as he could, trying to reach Jiro's face.

"I know you're being a little see-through now, but look at your face. You're not like Daibazaal, you're like me."

He looked. Looked into the mirror, for no reason but to humour a little girl he would, if he knew her more, would, would surely love like own daughter, so, something he'd never have, if he could. Looked.

Yeah, familiar face, to himself, he looked exactly like the formerly dead guy he had been cloned from.

"Mhm. I look just like Shiro," he muttered.

"Shiro? Who's Shiro? Are you Shiro?" Fala asked.

"Yeah," he lied, with a small smile. No reason to complicate things for a child. She didn't know any Shiro yet, anyway, at this age. He might as well be her first. She could forget him later, anyway.

It'd be for the best if she forgot him later.

"You're sad."

"How so?" he asked her. "How'd you figure? Look, I'm smiling."

Fala srunched her nose up.

"True. You are," she said, very seriously. "I don't know with you anymore. Maybe you're not THAT upset."

"I'm fine."

"Pinky swear? If you break pinky swear, you should go to hell."

"Oh, that's fine. I'm already headed there," Jiro replied and then shook his head, remembering he was talking to a child. A future Lion Goddess at that, perhaps.

"NO!"

His eyes widened when she shouted so loudly and he flinched.

"NO!" she repeated. "I saw my Dad the other day, he's a ghost, just like you, and he's a good ghost, and so are you. You're not going to any hell."

"Why?"

"Because I said so!" Fala replied.

She was maybe seven years old, perhaps eight, or nine, he could only guess. And "Shiro" couldn't find it in his heart to refute her argument, aloud, in any way. Besides, somehow, ridiculously, he suddenly felt a little lighter. A little less burdened.

He smiled.

"See? Now you're happy!"

"Because you say so?"

Fala nodded energetically, leaving him no room for doubt.

"I'll introduce you to my friends! It's a family of mice! They're my only friends except Raible, and I love them. Oh, you don't know Raible. He's Altean, too, he served my father and he was born in nineteen fifties and he has moustache and he's old! I'll show you, but first, the mice. They're cool and awesome! And they're my only friends! Just don't tell Raible. Come on, come on, Shiro, come on!"

She ran. Leading him wherever she wanted.

So he followed. After all, didn't he call this little girl his Princess, on a whim? If so, if this was temporarily the Princess he served, then he was bound to follow her orders, was he not?

He's felt himself smiling, softly, suddenly. He touched his mouth. He hadn't been trying to smile.

It's just happened on its own. As if he was... happy. Just as she said.

"Thank you!" he shouted, trying to keep up with her. He fell through the ruined stairs a few times already, not that he cared, being bodiless and all. But it didn't help with keeping up.

Fala jumped from stairs to stairs like a young grasshoper. She swerved in a place, looking back at the ghost she's just met, grinning widely, and called out,

"Youuuu're welcoooome, Shiiiiroooo!"

With a cheer he hasn't heard the likes of in a long, long time.

Had she been... lonely?

_Or had I been so?_

Suddenly, he wanted to embrace her. And he had a feeling that she wanted that, too.

But he'd probably cry. Which, well, wouldn't be a crime. Maybe he wanted to cry, at that, too. Why? He barely knew himself, so he couldn't say. He couldn't do all that, could he?

Could he? Would it hurt to try?

"Come on, come on!" the little girl hurried him, loudly. "If we meet Raible, I'll tell him you're fine. Okay?"

"Okay."

"So don't joke that you're going to hell, when we meet Raible."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good!"

Maybe he felt happy. And if so, he wanted to hang onto that.

For now.


	12. In which Pidge Is the Worst at Names for Future Husbands, so Says Matt.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt Holt didn't know much about human clones, and even less about human souls, but he knew he had a now hopeless crush on one guy whom he could nickname, well, Jiro, probably, though that was just his "Monsters and Mana" handle.

Matt was listening intently.

Listening intently to silence, right now. It was like pulling teeth. But he would. Though Keith was like a little cousin to him.

Keith ran his hand through his hair, and then uttered, "And then I've cut not-Shiro's arm."

"Because witch Honerva was controlling him through it?" Matt Holt asked. So Keith's figured it out, just like Pidge. Keith was smart--

"She was??"

"What? Why'd you cut it if if you didn't know, Keith?"

"Because that quiznaking arm was killing him, he told me that!"

"He did?"

"Without words of course, geez. You know how Shiro is! That arm was killing him, and might've killed me, too, so I've cut it for him. There. Wait, Haggar was controlling him through it? Huh. So that's why! I had no idea."

Matt Holt now had to wonder whether Keith really was smart or not.

"Okay. Okay," Matt uttered, trying to focus. "Anyway, so the arm was killing Jiro. But you've cut it. However, either way, Jiro is gone-"

"Or he's left," Keith said. "Either he's gone or he's left. I'm just not sure."

Matt stared at Keith for a long few ticks.

"Keith. Keith, that's the same thing."

"No, it's not. Are you a moron?"

"Jiro isn't here anymore. Shiro is, and I'm glad, he's my best friend, but-"

"But you're going to marry Jiro. So. If he's not gone, go find him. I have no idea," Keith replied.

"I don't get you sometimes, but I don't exactly know how to go into the land of the dead if there is one. Because... he's... dead, isn't he?"

"...maybe. How should I know? I don't see spirits. Er. Usually. Ask Allura?"

"I will," Matt said, with conviction.

"And... if Jiro's dead," Keith whispered, "that means I killed him. You can hate me for that..."

"What? No, that's not even-"

"Why?"

**********************

**********************

Matt's seen his little sister quite focused, but this was another level.

"So? Any ideas?" he finally asked.

"Well, if we find out his spirit did survive, then we can find him, get him, and I can make a brand new body for him. Er, do you know what he'd want to look like? You're his boyfriend, after all. I can get started immediately! Look, I can even make him from some toughest stuff!" Keith said, slowly beginning to smile.

Matt stopped himself from jumping up in joy, and instead, just embraced his little genious Katie in elation.

"Pidge, you're the best! I mean, I probably could make a body for him, but I'd trust much more any you'd make! You know more about such stuff by now. Prosthetics and robots and all!"

"Yeah! And you know it."

Suddenly, there was an awkward silence for a minute. Matt wasn't sure why, until he was, and, as Pidge said the next thing, he uttered the end of the sentence together with her.

"But, you know, even if everything succeeds and he really can be with us again, his-"

"-body won't be flesh, yes, I know. That's okay. I... think? I'd have to ask him if that's okay, first."

Now he really had to talk to the beautiful and amazing Princess. To ask her where'd Jiro's soul go.

Matt sighed and tried to get ready for such a conversation. How to ask her, without her thinking he was blaming her in any way? He loved Allura, too, just like he loved Jiro - well, at first. Because now, no. It was-

It was more than a crush now, with Shi--- with Jiro.

But... Jiro didn't feel the same, did he? Now? If he still existed?

Surely he didn't, because by now, Jiro'd know he wasn't Shiro, if he still was somewhere... and he fell for Matt while thinking he was Shiro. So- in other words-

Flesh or not, as if it mattered, when Matt's love was now surely one-sided anyway, and he had to get to know the person he loved, who'd now surely never like him that way, not after what's happened. But that didn't matter.

Matt Holt was just going to find Jiro, soon, he's decided, wherever and whoever Jiro might be, anywhere.

"Yeah."

"Matt? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, Pidge. Thanks. You're a great help."

"I know. You're welcome. And I'm sure he's gonna fall for you again, you nerd."

"?? Who is??" Matt asked, staring at the Green Paladin, bewildered.

"Our Not-Shiro Black Paladin. Duh. Oh, and I don't mean Keith, of course."

Matt finally smiled a little at that, most genuinely.

He had the best little sister in all the universes and she was here, helping him.

Of course he'd find his maybe-not-quite-gone-gone boyfriend. With such help, why wouldn't he?

Now, to talk to Allura, he's decided, and see if everything wasn't a pipe dream, which would be if nothing was left of Jiro.

"As for names," Pidge uttered, after some deep, deep pondering, it seemed to Matt, "to name Jiro something, hmmm... we could call him Chip? That sounds good, doesn't it?"


	13. Interlude - Memory - Hey, do you think... - but did the Sun propose or did the Moon?

_"Maybe you were just born too late. A few centuries. You're the sort of person who should've made the first step on our dear Moon."_

_"Laugh all you want, Matt. Besides, everyone knows that the moon's in love with the sun. It's in all our myths. Aaaaall through the Earth, from whenever people began telling stories. Ha! So it's not like the moon's for me, anyway."_

_"Yeah, yeah, sure, Shiro."_

_They laughed together._

_But did Matt just blush a little?_

_Oh, no. No, no, no. Poor Matt! But what could Shiro do?? Adam-_

_Besides, Matt would surely get over it and laugh that all off very soon. It's not like Shiro was such a great taste, it was all just, surely, well... with Adam it was all just, surely, very specific circumstances at work, and nobody else-_

**_Very_** _specific circumstances._

_And Matt was Matt. Best buddy._

************

Of course they were best friends. Matt and Shiro.

But remembering that moment - not his, he knew now, he hadn't existed back then, it was all Shiro, but why---

Jiro, almost daydreaming right now while little Allura was telling him more than he ever wanted to possibly know about the space castle mice family, Jiro---

Jiro simply couldn't forgive Shiro for not falling in love with Matt. And couldn't understand it. How could he not??? How cruel--

And he hated Shiro for that.

Truth is, a crush on one Matt Holt first blossomed inside the clone the second this specific memory entered his brain, he was now, in hindsight, utterly sure of that.

It wasn't Shiro's crush. He knew that. He remembered and felt that. Simply wasn't there.

And Jiro hated Shiro for that truth.

****

Oh, he hoped ~~**_HER_ **~~Druids laughed at him. Some thing in a fishtank (not really, but similar thing), who's never met a single person, suddenly all on his own developing a nonexistant crush. Funny, that.


	14. Interlude - Memory - My older brother - don't project

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt's always wanted to have a cool older brother, because Pidge made it sound so fun. And then he's found one.

_"Maybe you were just born too late. A few centuries. You're the sort of person who should've made the first step on our dear Moon."_

_"Laugh all you want, Matt. Besides, everyone knows that the moon's in love with the sun. It's in all our myths. Aaaaall through the Earth, from whenever people began telling stories. Ha! So it's not like the moon's for me, anyway."_

_"Yeah, yeah, sure, Shiro."_

_They laughed together._

_And Matt's realised he was late for the next lesson at the Garrison! Dammit! That was embarassing._

_Shiro looked at him quite weirdly._

_What, was he going to scold him for that? He wasn't Matt's Dad. Dad was, and would surely laugh at Matt (stealthily) later. Oh, damn._

_**************_

Matt's always wanted to have a cool older brother, because Pidge made it sound so fun. And then he's found one.

Things were slightly awkward sometimes, though. Shiro had very much NOT TOLD HIM that he thought Matt had a little crush on him. Geez, how cruel. Matt's been in love a few times, with completely different people, and it was always unrequited, because they were always out of his league. So. Geez, how cruel. This time, he was platonic. Just because Shiro had trouble proposing to Adam or waiting for Adam to propose to him - don't project! Matt wasn't in love that time.

He was right now, though. With somebody a tiny bit different, apparently just enough.

Jiro.

(No. Not going to name him _Chip_ , Pidge was awful at names. Chip! Geez.)


	15. And no me deserves me, I shouldn't be in any 'me', I only make everything worse and I know it

Everything disappeared.

And then, the world existed again.

And then, he felt familiar in his body, whoever's body that might've been. And that scared him.

So Jiro opened his eyes, whoever's eyes they might had been. They felt similar enough to his own, unlike many others. Too similar, perhaps. Fear crept down his spine, whoever's spine it was.

And then, he saw. He was dressed in scraps of original inside-pod clothes as he called those rags. He was lying in a pool of blood. He wasn't in the cloning facility, but he was obviously on the asteroid on which the cloning facility was, if it still existed.

He groaned, mentally kicking himself for accidentally sending himself into a body of one of many other 'himselves'. What the quiznak, self?! Besides... he could do that???!!

That just wasn't right. But it was true, unfortunately, and Jiro knew that, too.

"I'm sorry," he muttered. "I'll leave, I promise. I just need to... I just need to figure out how to, and then I'll leave you to rest in peace, I promise" he told this other random himself, maybe in vain.

Probably.

"Honestly. S-sorry for... disturbance. I'm so, so, so sorry. For my accidental crap alchemy. I didn't mean to. I'll be leaving, now, I swear. So don't mind me, just die in peace... okay?" he muttered, outloud, though the thought came to him that he'd be better heard inside. Outloud, maybe he couldn't even hear him.

A wordless thought, begging for help, perhaps, came to Jiro, but that was so unlike himself (and **surely** this other himself couldn't think, as it was surely even more of just a thing that Jiro himself was) that Jiro squarely straight out ignored it. That was a thing to do, wasn't it?

And a tick later, if the world _cruel_ could be heard without any phonetics, without even the knowledge of any phonetics.... Jiro was pretty sure he's just 'heard' it.

And he shuddered and yelled, he did, himself, no other, on his own, by his own choice, while listening to silent voice of another, but not that another yelled, that another wouldn't even understand, no, Jiro himself now yelled,

"Wait, what the quiznak's wrong with me?! I've almost forgotten myself!! I gotta save this me, right now, no matter what happens to _me,_ and I don't care that he's just a thing, I'm saving him, right here and now, ya hear me?!"


End file.
